Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect?
It's a theory...it states that if a butterfly flaps its wings at exactly the right moment...somewhere else in the world, it causes a hurricane.
We last left off on the hurricane...the grand finale...the...
Are we talking about Big Foot? Or some creature only found in the depths of the darkest woods?
Are we talking about an imaginary creature conjured up in the mind of a child? The creatures that lurk beneath their beds? In their closets?
Or...are we the monsters?
Yes...us...you and me.
I mean, think about it....like, really, really think about it.
Human beings....when we're young, we behave as monsters unless taught otherwise. We don't care about the person next to us. We don't care if they lack while we have ample. We just don't.
And monsters, well neither do they. So who's to say we aren't the monsters? Who's to say we don't deserve the title we so generously give to everything else?
Ava's mother Diane...she's earned the title. She is as cruel as they get. As selfish as you would ever think they could come. She is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the world.
Well...Ali and Diane tie in this category. Both are devil incarnate.
Both wanted to see my marriage burn. Both want to see Ava burn...for the second time.
Both of them wanted to see her broken so badly that she could never be happy again. Because Ava and I, we were happy.
And monsters, well they don't like to see you happy.
But again, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's return to where we left off...a couple weeks after the birth of my son.
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"Dada!" The next time I saw either of my kids, Diane was dropping them off.
Lily ran to hug my legs and I scooped her up into my arms, kissing her cheek as Diane carried a car seat in her arms with my son in it. He was already a few weeks old and I still had no idea what he looked like.
I didn't know if he looked like his mother or me. I didn't even know his name.
"Here is C. J." Diane told me, shoving the car seat and a diaper bag into my free hand. "I don't know why she named him after you." She rolled her eyes and turned to leave. "I'll be back to get them tomorrow."
"Make it three days." I told her.
"I said tomorrow." She repeated, turning to face me.
"And I said three days. Make it five now." I retorted.
She rolled her eyes again before heading back to her car. She drove off and I glanced at Lily once more before setting the car seat down to open the front door. I picked the car seat back up, stepping into the house as I set Lily on her feet.
My eyes fall to the car seat as I do, and I allow them to fall on my son.
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He laid there, eyes open wide as they landed on me...the man he hadn't even met yet. The man he didn't know.
At first glance I could see that he shared my complexion, my hair, and Ava's eyes and nose.
I took him over to the couch and set his car seat down, unstrapping him to take him out.
"Dada, Jun Jun so tute, wight?" Lily called, climbing up onto the couch beside me to admire her brother. "Hi, Jun Jun." She gave a wide smile as she waved at him. "Hi."
I nodded, agreeing with her statement of her brother's cuteness. "Yeah." I picked him up, careful to support his head as I held him close in my arms. My eyes remained on his as he stared up at me, yawning slightly. "He's...mine." I mumbled.
There was more to those words than just saying that he was my seed. He was mine...my child, my son. My first son...and at the rate Ava was going, possibly my only son.
But he was mine. Just laying eyes on him made my heart swell with a love I'd only ever felt for two other people...his sister, and his mother.
But even the love I felt for him, the warm feeling that crowded my heart at the sight of my child, even that wasn't enough.
It wasn't enough to make me want to live. Not after his mother had walked out on me and I only got to see him when she felt like allowing it. Not after his sister, my princess, had been taken from me. I wasn't even allowed to see her anymore. All because of a lie.
So seeing my son...looking into his eyes...it wasn't enough. It couldn't be enough.
As bad as I wanted it to be...
It wasn't enough to keep me alive.
I smiled at him and he continued to stare, raising a hand above his head as if to wave at me (Like in the picture). My smile widened and Lily giggled, waving at him.
"Hi, Jun Jun." She greeted again, reaching out to touch his little hand. He wrapped his fingers around a few of hers and she giggled again. "Jun Jun, my hands not food." She told him when he tried to pull her fingers into his mouth. She tugged her hand away gently and he frowned, balling his face up and beginning to cry.
I frowned as well, allowing him to wrap him fingers around my index finger. It calmed him immediately and he was looking up at me with those big brown eyes again. He pulled my finger close, holding it to his chest as if his little life depended on it.
And for any other man I know, that would've been enough. Seeing his children, watching the joy they shared in spending time with him...it would've been enough to make him want to live.
It would've been enough to make him feel bad for ever wanting to end his own life.
