That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

You're What I Crave But Can't Have...

The movie played on in front of me but I couldn't watch it. My mind ran a mile a minute and didn't stop long enough for me to absorb any of it. Blaze leaned against me lightly and I wanted so bad to push her off. But I wanted to lean in more, feel more of her affection, just as bad.

I was tore between. I didn't know her that much, I didn't like her in that way at all. But something about her presence made my heart skip beats and my stomach to churn. I couldn't be away from her, but I couldn't be near her. I stared at her hand intwined with Chris's and I sighed. I remembered the conversation I had with Chris earlier.

"Does she remind you of someone?"

He hesitated before answering. "No why?"

"Like does she remind you of someone I used to be with? Like dating wise. Before I joined the band. I keep remembering someone... But I can't see her face. I can't remember her name or anything about her. I just know she was in my life and she meant so much to me. And Blaze... Reminds me of her? I don't know why... I can't explain it."

Chris shrugged and made a noise. "I don't know man but I doubt it was Blaze. She would remember you I'm sure..." Chris stood awkwardly and I felt like he didn't care.

"Do you even care about what I'm saying?"

"Yeah I'm just saying I don't think it's her." He snapped and I sighed.

"Are you not telling me something?" Chris groaned and rolled his eyes.

"No. I'm just, I don't know. I hope it's not her." He turned away from me and mumbled something. I chuckled in a pissed off way and walked off. Blaze came out just then and asked what was wrong.

"Nothing." Chris snapped towards her and she laid off. We walked towards the movie and I slugged behind slowly. She kept looking back and trying to involve me but I shrugged it all off.

I stopped thinking about earlier when Blaze shifted. She glanced at me and smiled sweetly. I returned it and looked back towards the large screen.

Even if she was her, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Chris has her and I'm sure plans on keeping her. And I don't even know if I still like "her". I just know she meant a lot to me and I have never had someone who cared so much.

This girl knew everything about me. She understood me and was always there when I was down. I didn't think I would ever be able to function without her. But it ended somehow and I was able to go on regretfully. But I wanted to find her, to see if I could fix things somehow.

But Blaze couldn't be her. Like Chris said, she would have remembered. She would have said something when we met, she would have hated me or loved me or whatever. But it all was too weird. The feelings I got around her, what she said the day before... It mixed in too well.

I shook my head and watched the last bit of the movie. When it was over we walked back to the car and headed back. Blaze invited me over again and I agreed after some hesitation. Chris claimed he wanted to shower again and Blaze sighed.

We sat down on the couch together and she turned on the TV. I watched the way her lips moved. When she thought of something negative, they turned down. When she thought of something seemingly happy, they formed a thin tight line. They were a light pink and small. Her nose cradled her nose ring and her bangs framed her face perfectly. Her long lashes brushed against her cheek bones when she blinked and her cheeks flushed a pale pink.

I stared at her long enough for her to notice.

"What?" She laughed and looked at me.

"Nothing." I chuckled and looked towards the TV. We were silent before I spoke again. "You're really pretty that's all." I glanced at her and her face flushed.

"Well thanks... You're pretty attractive yourself." She smiled and I smiled back.

"I guess." I chuckled and she laughed.

"You are. Anyone who gets close to you is lucky." I thought about what she said and smiled.

"You too."

Chris came back out and sighed. "I feel better." He laughed.

Blaze grinned and went to the kitchen. She came back with a stash of candy. "Yeah I have this, shut up." We laughed and sorted through it for what we wanted. Claire walked in and I smiled towards her. She smiled back and turned to Blaze.

"You still have this?!" Blaze laughed and nodded her head. Claire plopped down next to me and grabbed a handful. The rest of the night was filled with laughter and sugar thankfully but I didn't forget the girl who meant the world to me.

* * * * *

Blaze walked around the apartment quietly. I heard her keys jingle and I sighed. I turned over and saw her looking at me. I groaned and laughed.

"Good morning." I stretched and buried my face in the pillow.

"Good morning." She sat in the recliner and smiled. Her eyeliner was perfect and made her eyes look like caramel. I looked away before she noticed.

"Could you take me home? Before work. Or after, I don't care."

She chuckled and picked at her shoes. "I work all day I doubt you want to be with me all day."

I laughed, "I don't care." She nodded and motioned for me to follow her. I used the bathroom first and we drove to my house. "How long before you need to be there?"

"About an hour."

"Well since I have nothing else to do I guess I'll go with so you can come inside." We laughed and I let her in. We walked into my room and I looked at her face. Something, sadness maybe, passed over her face. She forced a smile and turned towards me. Her eyes were glazed and she chuckled.

"This is nice." Her voice cracked and I frowned.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded quick and smiled. "Yeah I'm fine just reminds me of someone I used to be with..." She sat down on my bed and I sighed.

"You can look around if you want. I'll be out of the shower as soon as I can." I walked off and closed the door.

Why was she so sad? I thought as I leaned against the door. I ripped away my day old clothing and let the warm water run. I hoped that today would be bearable. I could always stay home, but I wanted to be with her. I sighed and focused on getting myself clean.

I stepped out and dried off. I was about to walk into my room when I heard crying. I listened to Blaze sob softly on my bed. She sniffled and I peaked in to see her wipe her tears away. I grabbed an extra towel and threw it on my head to dry my hair.

"So um, I'm going to get dressed now." I chuckled nervously and covered my eyes with my towel as I walked in to give her time to cover up her breakdown.

I could hear her sniffle again and I saw her hands wipe her face. When she was done, I looked at her and frowned. She smiled meekly and left the room. I sighed and buried my face in the towel.

I slowly got dressed and walked out. I couldn't find Blaze so I assumed she was outside smoking. I found her leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. I decided to join her.

"Can I borrow your lighter? Mine's inside..." I put my cigarette in my mouth and allowed her to light it for me. Our eyes met and my heart sank at the closeness. We took out the cigs and moved a bit closer. My nose grazed hers and she sighed softly.

She couldn't look me in the eyes and I couldn't pull away. I wanted to kiss her but at the same time I didn't. She leaned her forehead against mine and sniffled.

"I can't..." She whispered.

"I know." I walked away and inhaled the smoke. I blew it away and watched her chew away at her lip. She suggested we leave so I followed her to the car. The drive over was silent and once we arrived, I ditched to go shop for some clothes. But in all honesty, I just wanted time alone to think.

What the hell were we doing? I almost kissed my best friend's girlfriend.

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. It wasn't on purpose, it wasn't intentional. It was just...

A habit.