That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

It Was My Fault

I laid on the couch and picked away at some grapes. I wasn't really in the mood for food and I blamed my medicine. The dumb cast only had a few more weeks to cling to my leg before it was coming off and I couldn't wait.

Lately, I had been suffering severe headaches and the scars on my face stood out more than ever. Every morning it was the same routine: hobble out of bed, take my medicine, hit the shower, and layer myself with makeup. I hadn't felt so confident and Chris had noticed. He tried to love me, take me out to dinner, watch some movies, surprise me with roses, but it wasn't working. The fear of driving had gotten to me and the traumatic event played over and over in my fucked up mind.

I threw the grapes against the TV and stood up too fast for my leg. I cried out in pain and fell to my knee. Chris and Claire ran out and Chris picked me up.

"Blaze what's wrong?!" I couldn't see him through my tears and I kept silent. I grabbed onto him and cried. The air was silent and still except for my sobbing. Chris soothed my hair and Claire sat quietly on the ground next to us. It felt like forever before the tears slowed down enough for me to talk.

"I feel helpless... I have this stupid cast," I motioned to the annoying white piece of crap and wiped my tears, "and I have ugly scars on my face. I'm not pretty, I never was, and I won't be. I can't stop thinking about the accident. I should have died. I should have died. But I didn't. Why didn't I die? I was suppose to die!" By then, I was yelling.

"You shouldn't even love me Chris. I see why Ricky left me. I'm nothing important. I'm worthless and... I don't deserve you. I don't deserve you either." I looked at Claire and she wiped away her tears. I tried to stand and Chris helped me.

"Listen, you're not. You deserve to live and Ricky and I were completely lucky to have ever laid our eyes on you. I'm glad you survived... I wouldn't be so happy without you. The cast is temporary and so are the scars. They'll go away. The memories of the accident will fade with time and things will go back to normal. I promise." He whispered into my hair and held me close.

"Chris is right." Claire whispered into the air. "I am lucky to have you Blaze. You're my best friend in the whole world and I wouldn't be here without you."

My anger seemed to have settled down somewhere in my chest and I smiled. My mind wandered back to Ricky and for once, I sort of saw his side of things. Maybe I was worth something. Maybe he didn't mean any harm.

* * * * *

I woke up quick when I felt Chris stand up. People were moving around the flat fast and I recognized Balz. He walked past me and I touched his thigh. He seemed lost in thought and jumped at my touch.

"What's wrong?" I mumbled through my tired state and he stared at me like he'd seen a ghost.

"Ricky's missing."

My world seemed to stop. Balz's words echoed through my head and I wanted to run. I wanted to run to wherever I thought he might be and I wanted to run away from the problem. I asked him to help me up and I grabbed my crutches. Chris was outside talking to Ryan and I appeared behind him.

"...last time I spoke to him was today." Chris ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. I touched his arm and he jumped.

"Why is everyone jumping when I touch them? Anyways... Where's Ricky."

They stared at me and shrugged. "We tried calling him but he's not answering. He's not home and we're not sure where he is." Ryan looked out towards the street like he was expecting him to walk up. The dark sky played a bad vibe and I looked at Ryan.

"Give him some time? Maybe he's just having some time to himself." I yet again earned a strange look and I rolled my eyes.

"Ricky doesn't just go off. Something's wrong." Devin stood silently by the door on his phone. Claire leaned on him and had a sad look in her eyes. I almost didn't know if it was Devin that spoke because the air was so heavy and thick with pain and stress. I sighed and thought back to earlier that day. Ricky did look terrible, like he was over thinking something but what?

I thought and my face went cold. It couldn't be that. It wasn't like that. There was definitely no way. He wouldn't let that be the reason. Would he?

Chris looked at me and I tried to walk away. "Blaze, do you know something?"

I shook my head and looked down. I knew they didn't believe me but I tried. A tear fell and I sighed.

"It's probably my fault. We.... We kissed when I was in the hospital and now he probably feels terrible for you and for himself. I'm terrible. I screw with both your feelings. I'm sorry. You can hate me, I understand. I hope you guys find him. I'm sorry for ever being involved in you guys." I couldn't see anymore through the tears and I got away as fast as I could. I threw the crutches to the ground and Claire shut the door.

The guys stayed outside and I knew that by the end of the night I would be alone. I would be the lonely, unloved, suicidal drug addict that I was. It would start all over again and I would be forgotten just as I always was.

The voices outside faded slowly and I knew they had left. Every emotion I had shut itself off and I laid on the ground with nothing left in me. My eyes flickered towards Claire and the look she had in her eyes hurt more than anything anyone could ever do to me.

"I'm done..." I whispered to myself and closed my eyes hoping for enteral sleep.