That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

You Know You're Right

{Song: You Know You're Right by Nirvana}

We were two days away from tour and Ricky was still no where to be found. We didn't call authorities because Ricky had texted Devin saying he was alright and not to worry. None of us really bought it, but the fact that he was alive and letting someone know was good enough for us.

I folded my clothes softy and slowly and set them on the bed. The thoughts of if I really wanted to go were passing through my head and I tried so desperately to ignore them. I wanted to go. I wanted to experience something new and I wanted to be with Chris. Not to mention, I wanted to be away from Claire. She still hasn't spoke to me and still glared at me secretly. I didn't know what was wrong but I was afraid to ask. I blinked myself back to reality and realized Nirvana was playing softly in the background of the living room and I started to sing along quietly.

"I would never bother you. I would never promise to. I would never follow you. I would never bother you." I continued to hum along and pack my things. My favorite two lines were coming up and I was going to own them.

"Nothing really bothers her. She just wants to love herself..." I turned towards the door and noticed Ricky. I dropped the armful of clothes I had and backed against the wall.

"... I will move away from here. You won't be afraid of fear." He finished the verse for me and smiled. My emotions scattered. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? What should I do?

I blinked and a smile appeared on my face. I held my arms out for a hug and he gladly took it. "Where have you been?" I whispered into his ear and he tightened the hug.

"Places." He pulled away and shrugged. I laughed and looked at him.

"We were worried, you know that."

"I know. They know I'm back. They're actually planning to meet me at my house but... I thought I'd stop by and see you first." My face flushed and I could hear Ricky chuckle. I pushed him lightly and he pushed me even lighter. The song ended and we looked around the room waiting for another song to fill the vacant air. Before one did, I found a question I wanted to ask.

"Why'd you leave?" I stared out the window and so did Rick. I could see him thinking and I chewed my lip.

"I wanted a break from things. So I wouldn't go completely nuts on tour." He laughed lightly and I couldn't help but smile. Ricky turned towards me and hugged me again.

"I should go." He said and I hugged him back and started to pick up the clothes as he walked away. The door shut and I sat on the floor.

Maybe I over think things. Maybe things aren't to the extreme of what I think they are.

I was mid-thought when Claire walked into the bedroom.

"Why was Ricky leaving?" Her tone was filled with annoyance. I shrugged and got back up.

"He came to say hi. He left to go meet the guys. He's back and he's alright." I tried to smile but it wasn't working. I could feel her hate from the door and I looked at her. Claire's arms were crossed and she stood with one leg bent and the other as straight as a board. When she didn't speak, I returned to packing my clothes.

"You knew where he was this whole time, didn't you?" Her accusing words made me stop. I furrowed my brow and looked at her.

"No. I didn't." She scoffed and shook her head.

"You did. Because you and Ricky have this little thing, don't you?" I bit my lip hard and clenched my fists. Where was all this coming from?

"No Claire. I don't have a thing with Ricky. He's just my best friend. Where is all this coming from?" I threw my hands up in the air and crossed them before looking at her. She rolled her eyes and let the poison run deep.

"Ever since you remembered and ever since he remembered it's been all about him. 'Ricky this', 'Ricky that'," she mimicked me in an irritating voice and continued, "you kissed him. And you have a boyfriend. What the hell?"

"It was a mistake! A spur of the moment thing. And I told Chris, it wasn't like I kept it a secret." I interrupted her and covered my face. I was getting really pissed off.

"Yeah sure. By the time you get back home from tour, you're going to be all smiles and hugs with Ricky, aren't you? That's your plan right?"

"You don't know my plan-"

"Oh yes I do. Don't lie about it. You don't know who you want. You don't know anything about yourself. All you know is overdosing and smoking. That's all you know Blaze." The minute the words left her mouth, I could see she regretted saying them. A moment of sadness passed on her face but the hate facade came back quick.

"Yeah. You're right Claire. That is all I know. Sorry for trying to see if someone could make me feel something different." My voice was cold and quiet and I turned back to packing. I heard the door slam but I didn't care. I couldn't even cry.

When everything was all packed and ready, I kissed Foxy and Lila goodbye and called Chris. He agreed to pick me up. Once he was here, I ignored his questions on what happened. We got to Ricky's house and I limped my way into his room and laid down. I wasn't in the mood to party, I didn't want to drink, I didn't want to smile.

I just wanted to die.