That Which Doesn't Kill You, Just Fucks With Your Mind

Some People Call It Fate

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't focus. I couldn't think.

Somewhere in this mall, somewhere near where I was, was the man that I was, and might still be, in love with. Somewhere there was the guy that almost made me go against my loyalty and kiss him. Somewhere, Ricky Olson walked.

I couldn't stand the memories. I couldn't stand being in his room. But I couldn't walk away from it. His bed used to be my comfort. His room used to be my home. I would stay there for hours on end with him, talking, laughing, singing along very badly to our favorite music.

And now, I had nothing with him. Nothing but a very awkward friendship. I had laid on his bed and cried. I cried while he was in the next room. And when he came back, I tried to play it off. I knew he knew but I didn't want to admit it. I was an idiot... Being involved in something I shouldn't.

I stared blankly at the cash register and didn't move. Brynn had noticed my unresponsive behavior and avoided me at all costs. I didn't care, I didn't like her anyways. I finally moved and cleaned the counter off. The only reason I did was because there was a definite finger print that bothered me.

When I was done, I went to the back and laid on the couch. I sighed and closed my eyes. I wanted so bad to cry, to scream, to rip my hair out, to punch everything! But I couldn't. I couldn't because that wasn't right.

On the other hand, I wanted so badly to kiss Ricky. To hold his hand, to hug him and hold him. I wanted to be able to smile and have him smile in return. I wanted there to be depth. I wanted there to be something like there used to be.

But I couldn't. I couldn't because it wasn't right.

I closed my eyes hard and a tear fell from the force. I wiped it away pathetically and sat up. The room spun and I grabbed my phone. Chris answered on the third ring.

"I didn't want to wake you this morning but I'm at work."

"I figured," he chuckled and sighed, "when do you get back? I want to take you somewhere."

"Oh really? I get off at 6." I smiled at his sweet words.

"Great! Perfect timing actually."

"Where are we going?"

"I can't say." I could almost see his smile and I laughed.

"Fine then. I'll talk you later! Miss you."

"I miss you too." He laughed and I hung up. Just as I did, the door bell chimed.

"She's in the back." I heard Brynn say so I got up and went up front. Ricky smiled and waved. I smiled thin and waved back. I told Brynn I'd take over from here and she smiled before leaving for the back.

"Did you find any clothes?" I asked and walked behind the counter. I aimlessly straightened the items in the glass and looked at Ricky.

"Eh, not really my type of clothing." He shrugged and I could tell he hadn't even looked. He leaned on the counter and put his face in this hands.

"I'm sorry about earlier..." He sighed. I shook my head and smiled.

"It's fine. I'm part to blame." He looked at the ground and shook his head.

"No I should know. But... I don't know what I was thinking."

I didn't know what I was saying before I said it. "I know what I was thinking." He stood up and looked at me.

"What were you thinking?"

Shit. I caught myself and smiled.

"I was uh, thinking about how it wasn't right. But sometimes things happen such as urges or emotions. You can't stop them if you're not suppose to."

"So what you mean is fate." Ricky focused on my face and it caused me to shift uncomfortably. I looked out the window and shrugged.

"Some people call it fate. Others call it decisions. I don't really know."

He nodded and I smiled. For the rest of my shift we discussed a wide variety of topics such as music, life, and food. I clocked out once I was done and Ricky helped me clean up. We locked up the store and walked out to the lone car.

"Do you um, want to come over? Later or whenever I don't mind." He scratched his head and looked uncomfortable.

"I wish. But not tonight. I have a date with Chris." I let that settle in the still air and he nodded.

"Some other time then."

I grinned. "Tomorrow?"

"Sounds great." He laughed and we drove to his place. We arrived in a short time and we sat out in front of his house. Ricky hadn't made an attempt to leave and frankly, I didn't want him to. I could tell we both were replaying the scene on the porch in our heads so I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"To make up for earlier. Because sometimes, the things you want but can't have, have an option for you to settle on what is alright."

His cheeks flushed and he got out. He jogged to his door and waved goodbye. I waved back and drove home. I found Chris on the couch, jittery.

"Let's go, let's go, let's go!" He grabbed me and carried me back downstairs to the car.

"Go where?" I laughed and buckled my seat belt.

He didn't answer me but instead he drove. I found ourselves at the park and he led me towards the still lake. He motioned for me to sit underneath the tree.

"Chris what is this?" I sat cross legged and grinned. He laid down in my lap and pulled me down for a kiss. When we pulled apart he told me.

"Well I got Claire to stay at a friend's house. So it's you and I."

"Oh?"

"Yeah but first, I think it's very important that I tell you... That... I love you." He smiled up at me and I couldn't explain myself. Chris loved me? Was he sure?

"I... I love you too!" I gasped and hugged him as I could. He laughed and sat up. I hugged him and kissed him again before we went back home. The rest of the night, we watched dumb movies and ate popcorn. Most of it ended up on the floor from our failed game of catching it in our mouths, which I won.

I had never had so much fun with someone and I never wanted this night to end. I leaned my head on Chris's shoulder and he smiled. "We make a cute couple." I mumbled.

"We do." He agreed and yawned. I laughed and pulled him towards the bedroom. I laid beside him and watched him fall asleep. His face was the cutest and most peaceful I had ever seen.

I guess I loved Chris. I wasn't in love with him. I wasn't in love with anyone. But I knew I loved Chris. He had made me feel better since Ricky and I hadn't had a pill in my mouth for weeks, maybe even months. There was something about him that made myself want to be better.

Probably his straight edge behavior. I thought and laughed to myself. But I was thankful. Because I'm sure that without him, I would be dead.