Cheki

Part 18 - Hugs

A/N: *yelling* SHIROI BEDDO, SHIROI HEYA- - *breath* A-NO HIIIIIIIIIII KIMI GA OSHIIIIETE KURETAAA

(The VanessA version (or the OG version as you might call it) of that song is nice too but theyre also so sad eee)

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Koichi POV

The next couple of weeks passed agonisingly slowly. I had been visiting Tsuzuku every day for the first week, but he was always asleep. They said he lost so much blood, and he was so traumatised by what happened that 'his body is taking a break'.

He had a huge bruise over his left eye and his face was rather cut up from his injuries. I couldn't even begin to imagine what the rest of his battered body looked like.

It was hell just sitting there with him in the silence, watching the drip feed slowly into the veins of his lifeless body. For the first few days I'd just sit there and cry next to him. I couldn't stop apologising for leaving him alone with Ryoga.

But the more I visited him, the more I sat by his side, the more I thought to myself, 'why am I doing this?'

Every day I'd sit next to him in the small room he had, and I'd just watch his sore, scarred face as he slept in the hospital bed. He looked rather peaceful. And he looked so fucking beautiful. The more I sat there the more I wanted to just reach out.. to just feel his skin, stroke his hair.

And that's why I didn't visit anymore.

It was stupid – I had caused him so much stress, so much trauma, that I was sure if he woke to see my face it would be like waking back in hell for him. It was selfish of me - I was visiting just because I wanted to see him again, but he wouldn't want to see me. The more I sat there, the more I dared to hold his hand, the more I swept loose strands of hair from his face and admired him as he slept so peacefully in the hospital bed, the more the guilt of how I had neglected him came for me each night and convinced me I should try now, to get away, while I had a chance.

I was jobless, bandless, spending my days playing video games and taking long walks outside with my headphones on deafeningly loud. I was doing anything to distract myself, anything to keep my mind from thinking about him. At night I wouldn't go to bed until I was sure I was so tired I'd sleep instantly, and I'd wake up and distract myself again – just to avoid hearing his voice in my head, seeing his smile, remembering the good times.

As for my musical skill – it was neglected through those weeks. Every time I picked up my bass guitar his face would pop into my head and I'd be reminded of all the times he had helped me practice and encouraged me as I learnt. I had to keep VanessA's songs out of my head, because they'd bring back the days I missed - the days when me and him would work together happily for hours and hours with our friends, smiling and happy.

I had told Yuno and Yuuta what had happened (roughly) and told them that I wasn't sure of the future of the band. They agreed to wait for Tsuzuku anyway.

And so I woke up on Thursday morning, two weeks and a half after I had dropped Tsuzuku off at the hospital, one week and a half after the last time I had seen him sleeping there. I took a shower and got dressed, I cooked breakfast while watching TV, I hoovered the apartment, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, I threw the trash out. Every time Tsuzuku popped into my mind, I would try to distract myself with something in reality. It was so hard but it was how I got through things.

I didn't know why, though. I just couldn't ignore him – it wasn't getting easier at all. In reality, every night my pillows would be wet with tears, every morning I would struggle to get up, the constant thought of 'he's not a part of your life anymore' dragging me down more and more. My appetite had been reduced so much – the feeling of guilt filled me instead and bloated me until I felt sick. It felt like a dark, heavy weight in my gut, making my chest tight and my head foggy. It consumed me and it reminded me that I was worthless for what I did to Tsuzuku. I was bad for him.