For When Your Heart is Broken

Did It Ever Matter?

Dearest Kaneki,

Is the title a bit worrisome to you?
I would somewhat hope so.
Tonight is the last evening I'll be spending here with you all, so of course... I'm going to share my final regards, as unpleasant as they are.

I've wasted so much time, my Love.
Too much time; I've let the best of my years pass me by, you know.
It was all in vain, sadly.

If I could be completely sane, I would say that I regretted it.
But, really, I don't.
Strange, right?

I truly do wish that I could somehow make things have gone differently, but, well...
I cannot seem to see how exactly they could've.

I'll let you be sure that I hold no lack of anger.
In fact, the intensity of my fury is just barely overshadowed from my love.
It's... sad.

I do both Matsumae and Karren a great injustice by not vowing revenge, you know.

You are aware of my love for The Language of Flowers, yes?

If not, how terribly inattentive of you, Kaneki-kun.

I'm not surprised in the least, however.

Regardless of your recollection on my  passions, I wish to share with you some things that you are more than likely, if not most certainly, unaware of.
Those soft, delicate blue buds you may have caught sight of on the day of your awakening, yes?
Or perhaps not, for you were too preoccupied in the arms of your lover...
Well, they allude to something much more important than simply being beautiful as they are dainty and subtle.

They were not a simple tribute to just yourself.

"Vergissmeinnicht."

I said this to the Little Lady whenever asked about their name.

This is German, if you did not know.

I did not say this to flaunt my skill in linguistics, rather, that is their native title.

"Forget me not, my Love."

That is their implication.
They were meant as a tribute to you and Karren as well.
She was German, if you didn't know...

I hope she knows that she hasn't been forgotten...

The name alone is simply that, "Forget-me-not," but the history behind them holds much more weight. I covered that in one of my essays, you'll find it in my poetry, if you ever bother to look...

I'm very sorry for how irritated this is sounding, but...

Well, you see, I am angry.
I'm livid, actually.
I've been driven to the edge of madness over the past few months, and I tried to talk myself out of it so many times, but... I decided that it wasn't simply for your benefit.

As self-sacrificing I've tried to appear in these letters, I'm actually a filthy liar.

I'm not doing this just for you.

I'm doing it for myself.

———

    Kaneki gave an ironic laugh as he paused his reading.
Had he assumed selfishness initially?
Of course.

Looking back, who was the one to blame?

Who, indeed...
His eyes strayed back to where they had left off:

———

As much as I hate to admit it, I am indeed doing this for myself as well.

I can't handle it.

I can't take this anymore.

I can't.

It hurts.

I've been as diligent as I have been understanding, but...
It's time I put an end to this.

All I can ask of you is...

Vergissmeinnicht, Kaneki-kun...

Keep tribute to the remembrance of our relationship, at the very least.
Forget my voice, my face, my name, my heart...
You have before, after all.

Just don't forget what we've been through in these past years.

If that be the case, then my time was truly wasted.

But really, does that matter?

Did anything ever matter?

Did I?

You do.

You matter to me far too much for me to properly express in mere words, so... allow a cheesy metaphor:

You are my "Raison d'être," Kaneki-kun.
My reason to exist.

Despite my anger, I hold no resentment.
I'll be sure to keep your memory by my side.

Of course, how could I ever forget?

—S. Tsukiyama

———

    Another harsh laugh escaped. It was humorless.

What...

What he had written struck Ken as a revelation into his true character.
His own as well.
Kaneki Ken's new middle name was ignorance, it seemed.

I've been so blind.

Tsukiyama's Locale: Unspecified...

"Tsk, tsk..."
An impatient huff sounded in the darkness of a highly enclosed space. Inches were vital; the air was suffocating. Blackness surrounded on all sides.

Tsukiyama could feel the thump of heartbeats beneath his feet, hear the gasping breath of several cowering subjects of prey, and he could smell the fear surrounding him.

"Are you scared?" He asked softly, his voice feigning pity.
A whimper sounded in response, eliciting a laugh from his merciless lips.
"Good. You should be."

    As smart as he was, he knew that it was only a matter of time until he aroused suspicion.
He didn't really care.

"Should I let you go?" Shuu's irises were the only thing visible to the pathetic man he focused on.

A hesitant nod followed, to which he laughed at yet again.

"Maybe I will, but, in exchange... I'll have to take away your ability to alert authorities, alright?"