July 15 2014
im sixteen now and I wouldn't be described as a good kid, I don't care about rules anymore.
I have pinkish hair right now that had been purple and red, I also have snakebites and hazel eyes that go gold.
I smoke pot to lose myself and I've started to drink, alone on the floor, at the park, in the shower. doesn't matter.
this past week has been pretty bad, I've been cutting more and worse then usually, standing in the bathtub in a pool of blood as it runs down my arms and legs before I turn the shower on watching it run down the drain.
I want to leave and feel numb, like I'm a dead man walking.
the psychiatrist told my mum if I get like this to put me in the hospital and leave me there in the care ward until I'm over this.
I feel empty and alone.
I know that I have people around me who want to help but I keep turning to people and they keep turning me away when I need them the most.
I've been asked out seven times this week but I keep having to repeat to everyone that I'm to unstable and need to get better first, maybe I should go in the hospital it would be better for everyone else.
I think that I'm starting to lose myself, I can't see the words that I'm typing in fact I can barely see anything right now, I've been hiding how bad I am, wearing long gloves and pants all the time.
I've been looking at depression and anxiety sites and tried contacting my old Councillor because I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could do the simple thing of asking for help.
I've been blocking my memories and emotions even while writing this I'm completely empty and numb, I need something to fill the void.
I've tried sleeping with people but it doesn't do anything, the only thing that's helped is looking up at the stars and kittens.
but I'm scared of outside and mum says we don't have enough room for another pet.
we have a dog a two cats, they're adorable as alp heck and are my family. I've always gotten along with pets more then people.
