Transgender FtM Journal

7/21/14: My Thoughts on Depression and Suicide

        Hello once again, I've noticed that it has been some time since I've last updated. Well, only two weeks. Knowing me, two weeks is actually quite a feat because I'm an astonishingly lazy individual. Anyways, I'll keep this one short and quick just because I've got other things to do. Well, the other things that I would do is watch Netflix and go on Tumblr. Yes, I know, I've got my priorities straight. Going on Tumblr and Netflix is much better than doing what my therapist recommended. 

        Now let us delve into my thoughts... so, it is more than likely I won't be coming out this school year. My dad's completely against it, and that sole fact just might ultimately lead to my suicide. Since there's a chance my siblings will get bullied, my life is on the line here. I don't think I will, honestly. I'm scared of death. I mean, eternal tranquility seems nice and all, but I don't even think I'm mentally capable of ending it all. I personally think it quite selfish actually. My family loves me and I can't even imagine how heartbroken they would be if I died. Of course it would be somewhat of my parents fault if I kill myself because I can't stand living as a girl, but in the end it would always be my fault.

        I hate the fact that I was so excited last summer because I thought I would finally get the chance to be free, and now just because of my father I will have to wait another four years. Four years is a fucking insane amount of time, anything can happen. Things that I wouldn't ever consider could easily because plausible during that period; I'm scared that one of those things might be suicide. Four years of waiting might kill me. Is it really worth it? Because there's a chance my siblings will get bullied you decided that I should pay the price. When it comes down to it, the only thing preventing me from transistioning is people. God, I fucking hate humanity. Its not worth it, even if it does get better in time (after I have transitioned) I still have to live my entire fucking life knowing that I'm trans and no one will ever love me. I have to explain the fact that I'm trans to everyone I date or have sex with, and that severely damages the chance I'll ever get married. Living a life of hardship is not worth it if it still ultimately leads to the same thing, death. I'm usually not the one to take the easy way out, but suicide will definitely be a hell of a lot easier.

        I also don't think my therapist is any good. She actually really sucks, but it was so hard for my mom to find a therapist that was cheap and I don't want her to go through that trouble again. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I don't really think I need therapy in the first place. I mean, the only reason why I wanted to go there is to eventually get my letter for testostorone. 

        I'll leave it at that. I guess this wasn't so quick, but now all I want to do is watch Attack on Titan. I'm literally crying right now because recalling how shitty my life is and the fact that my dysphoria's bad right now does that to a person; it makes them cry. Anyways, I hope I'll continue writing this. I don't know if anyone is reading, but it sure as hell helps writing my feelings down.