My Everything. (Hamilton College AU)

Helpless

-Eliza-

What? No no no no. Lafayette you have no idea. I turn my attention to Alex. He was about to say something.
"What were you going to say?" I ask him

His face goes red, I hate to put that pressure onto him, but if people aren't suspicious, it'll make what I have to do a whole lot easier.

"I was just going to mention how I fully support anyone and who they love." Alex turns to me and gives me a concerned look, I smile and mouth thank you while no one else looks.

After everyone orders I'm given my coffee, Alex moves over to where I'm sitting and smiles.

"Are you okay?" He asks me
No I'm not
"Yeah, I was just curious as to what you said and I'm really tired, I am also feeling a little under the weather so coffee ought to do me some good."
"Oh okay, just checking." He replies

Good. He doesn't know.

"So how long have you lived in New York?" I ask him
"Not long, todays actually my second day in the city." He smiles

Daym he's got a cute smile.

"Oh, hey, Johns only lived in New Your for two years," I turn to John, "John come sit with us, we're talking about moving and stuff."

John stands and makes his way over to us. His sweatshirt laying over his hands. He nudges Peggy.
"Hey, could you scoot down a seat so I can sit next to Liza?"
"Sure thing Jackie" she says with a smile

Usually she'd say no, she always wants to sit next to me, and me to her, but John is her best friend, so she complied.

"What's up?" John ask sitting down.
"Oh, Alex just moved to New York from, uh..." I turn to Alex, not knowing what to say. I didn't think to ask were he used to live.
"The Caribbean, I might not look it, but I've lived there my whole life" Alex smiles and sighs
"Do you miss it?" John asks
"I miss the water, but nothing else really, my life wasn't exactly superb." Alex says before turning his attention to me
"What classes are you taking?" He ask me

I explain how I'm going to school to become a pediatrician and how helping children become healthy is a dream of mine after I got really sick when I was younger.

We all explain our majors on the way home from the diner, Angelica is going to school to become a Lawyer. John is going to become a Marine Biologist, Alex is going into Journalism, Peggy, art, and Hercules fashion.

After walking back to our respected dorms. I gather my things and head to class.

-2 weeks later-

It's late now,  I grab a pair of leggings and a sweater and set them in the bathroom. Alex has grown on us like a virus. He's really funny and nice. Johns got a bit of a crush on him. Every morning we drop by the Diner and get free breakfast from Lafayette.

Peggy and Angelica are both out for the night. Angie decided to go have a drink with Hercules and Lafayette and Peggy has night classes. Leaving me alone.

Finally.

(trigger warning)

The pain in my stomach only grows. I have to eat something to make this pain stop. I walk over to the kitchen and eat four grapes, a carrot stick, and chug three glasses of water. I make my way to the bathroom and unlock the medicine cabinet. I pull out my diet pills and pop two of them. I lock the cabinet back and take my locked box out of the cabinet under the sink.
I unlock it and pull out a silver razor blade out of the many in the box. I pull up my skirt and examine my thighs.

They're so big, why am I still so big?

I take the blade and run in across my thigh leaving a long thin cut along it next to the others. Blood begins to pour out of the cut and I mark myself again and again until the sight nauseates me. Then I hear a knock on the door.

Shit.

"Who is it?" I call
"It's John and Alex, Angie said you're home alone and might be bored, so we brought some take out Chinese food and some old horror films of you want to watch it."
"Come in!" I call enthusiastically "I'm in the bathroom, I was about to shower, but I'll just put in my pajamas instead."
"Sweet, we'll set up the movie."

I rush and turn on the sink and wet a towel, wiping the blood off of my thighs and putting on bandages. I then lock up the box and shove it back under the sink and I double check the lock on the medicine cabinet, good, it's locked. I put on the sweater and leggings and brush my hair. I finally make my way out of the bathroom, the smell of the food makes my mouth water. John has gathered some blankets and set them on the couch, the food on the table in front of the couch with Friday the thirteenth on the television.

"Nice set up." I say
"It really is, we're gonna watch these 'scary' movies and cuddle under a giant blanket together while laughing at them." John says happily
"You're so gay." I laugh
"You know it sistah."

Alex's head perks up at the word gay, but he doesn't say anything.

"Are you Gay?" I ask Alex, he blushes
"No I'm, uh, Bi." He says
I smile
"That's great!" I smile taking him into a hug.
He hugs me back, and I can feel his disgust with my body through his embrace.
I'll never be good enough

"Man Eliza, your sweater is really soft, you're like so cozy and small." He says to me.
"Y'all ready for the best movie night ever?!" John exclaims
"You know it!" I laugh.

I wish I was alone