Sara's Diary

November 5th

Dear Diary,

I feel like a vintage Turkish vase.

Externally I'm flourishing; intricate swirls, patterns and flowers detailed in rich reds and moody blues all over my oblong shape, looking pretty for my spectators.

Internally I'm hollow; emptiness echoing throughout my ceramic walls. Intensifying the nullness I feel.

I needed to be filled with a beautiful spring bouquet; daises, maybe? Potent lillies? Prickly red roses, perhaps?

I was convinced my date with Oli would be the gorgeous hand picked arrangement to fill my void.

God knows it was finely tuned to do so.
Dinner at a high end seafood restaurant. Check. Good company and conversation. Check. Goodbye kiss under the moon lit sky. Check.

Yet I still felt... vacant.

It was all me. Being foolish.

Not Oli.

Persuading myself into doing something that wasn't heart felt.

Avenging what exactly?

Everything feels lost up in the translation of the mind. Heaven and hell sitting on either shoulder. Playing devil's advocate.

I didn't know what was the wrong or right thing to do anymore.

So from now on I'm just winging it.

Flowing inbetween the gapes of knowing.

I avoided Oli for as long as possible. To avoid the awkward, I'm not that into you talk. And then having to reassure with, it's not you it's me.

It came about sooner or later.

He was understanding, though he wished it could've worked out.

And I was grateful. For his sweet nature and gesture.

He deserves the world. And I wasn't that right now.

The down time was productive.

Catching up with coursework, revision, friends.

Whilst my mind was active I didn't think about him.

What.

Who.

How.

He was doing.

I saw him around college, mostly in class.

I went to a few football games with Alicia.

Trying to focus on the game. Goal. Ball. Anything but him.

It was hard though. I couldn't deny that he looked...good. But that was it.

He just looked good.

Bonfire Night rolled around with ease.

Secluded area of the park.

Bottomless beer.

Amber lighting from the bonfire.

Backdrop from the fireworks in the distance, it was as festive as the day could get.

Truth be told.

I was enjoying flowing with the unknown.

Going along with what life had to throw me.

The feeling of only having to care about myself was a self centered pleasure I tried to endure for as long as possible.

Before he approached me.

Two solo cups in hand.

Donning a grey Nike tracksuit.

He looked too good.

Maybe because I was slightly waved, I talked and joked with him a little.

Accepting the drink he had to offer.

Dutch courage charged me up with confidence.

I took the piss out of his outfit; how it wasn't appropriate for the occassion.

He confessed that he just came back from training.

I nodded not knowing what to fill the silence with.

Trying to look anywhere but his eyes.

'Cause then I would make a stupid drunk comment.

But he beat me to it.

How are you?

Failing; I observed how the orange flames behind me highlighted the gold flecks in his eyes.

I was stunned at his sudden interest in my well being.

Rubbing at my forehead vigrously.

I didn't know what to say.

I found the words after a while.

Good, I guess.

He nods, sipping from the red cup.

I heard-

He hesistates for a second. Eyes squinting. Daring himself to go there.

You got with Oli?

Disbelief.

Slight shock.

That after all this time. That's all he has to say.

Are you joking?

No?

Who I do or don'- wait why do you even care? Stopping acting like you ever did.

His brows furrow. As if I just swore at him. In another language.

But I continue.

I haven't spoken to you for months. And you expect me to just open up to you. Tell you who I've fucked? Kissed?  
Would you like a list of all the people I hugged as well?

Sar-

I cut him off.

I should be asking you the questions. Why...

I huff deep. Exhaling all of my last breath.

Why you wasn't straight with me?

Another set of fireworks shoot off in the background.

Giving a visual representation of how it felt to say that. To him.

Silence cast between us. Though.

The fire roared behind me.

And laughter erupted next to me.

His eyes were trained on me.

And I couldn't read his expression.

Or believe what he had to say next.

Sara.