Sara's Diary

Monologue

I was scared.

Of?

Opening up to you.

Telling you I how felt.

I knew you liked me. It was obvious.

You had...this innocence about you that I was scared that I would tarnish. You were different to other girls. Your timidity was refreshing. It made me feel special, again, that I had that effect on you. Wanted.

In a different way.

I ignored the signs, Sara.

The stuttering.

Blushing.

The long gazes.

I ignored them on purpose.

To stop...stop you from getting hurt.

Last year of secondary school there was this girl. We were together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. We ended up going different colleges. Meeting new people, making new friends. And I promised her that I wouldn't get caught up in the buzz. In the moment. And let my eyes wander. But I broke my promise. Got with someone else. And I broke her, Sara.

I swore. Swore, that I'd never do what I did to her to anyone else.

I felt like shit. They way her whole demeanor switched. Because of me.

So I stuck to what I knew. Being a player.

Getting with girls I didn't really care about.

To help mask the feelings for the one I did care for.

It didn't work, though. Sleeping with other girls.

It made me feel weird. Like I betrayed you in some way. Cheated on you.

When I had no true commitment to you, really.

Because, I don't even know you like that

Amanda didn't take the time to get to know me.

For her, she didn't need to. She liked how me and her looked together, the "presence" we had and that was enough.

I was angry at her. Retaliating recklessly.

Kissing you, was wrong.

Yet it didn't feel like that.

It felt right.

And I felt stupid for pulling myself away from you. Because I thought you deserved better.

Fuck.

I just wanted to know what your kisses felt like.

I didn't expect all these emotions to come with it.

My selfishness to get me here.

To get us here.

I'm sorry.

That I wasn't straight with you.

It just wasn't that easy.

For me.