The flying Paladin

Chapter 16

Get your tissues ready loves

Also....trigger warning. Read with caution. 

"You...heh...what?" I said, staring into their eyes. I didn't exactly know what to say. How the fuck did they find out about that? I thought I was careful! 

Keith and Shiro shared a look that didn't exactly ease my anxiety. "Lance..." Shiro started softly. He reached forward but I flinched away, not ready for the rejection  that was surely coming. 

"I don't know where you heard that," I said, chuckling nervously. "But it's a total lie." 

"Lance--"

"I mean come on, right? What kind of dumb ass would I have to be to fall in love with two taken dude?" I continued, beginning to ramble. 

"Lance--"

"Besides, even if I did like you, which I don't, but theoretically speaking if I did, nothing would come from it and I would've done everything in my power to stop liking you," I said. Shiro's expression turned pained and I bit my lip, knowing that I wasn't helping my case at all.

"So, yeah," I said after a tense second. "I'm totally not in love with you. So, anywho, that was a fun conversation but I gotta go now." I said before jumping to my feet and running away.

"Lance!"

"Jesus fucking--LANCE STOP RUNNING!"

Nope. Not today Satan.

I ran as fast I could, ignoring the desperate calls from the golden couple. I didn't want to hear them tell me I was a disgusting human being, worthless, hideous and a useless pilot. I already knew all of that. I didn't need them telling me I was a freak.

Because, goddammit, I already knew that!

Tears fell as I ran, my feet making loud noises as they slapped against the cold tile of the castle.  Their calls were starting to get softer as the distance between us calmed me down. After a while, I was certain they weren't going to find me, I slowed down to a walk.

"Dammit Lance," I chastised myself, tasting salt water as the tears fell into my open mouth. "You fucking useless whore. Why would you fall for them? They're so perfect. And you're so...not."

I scratched at my arms, the familiar itch coming to me. Fuck! I haven't felt the need to hurt myself in s long! I was better! I had gotten better! So why, why do I want to hurt myself? Why do I just want drag a razor down my arm? 

My hands began to shake as I stared at them. There was blood underneath my fingernails, and I looked down to see bloody scratches. Shit! I cussed at myself. What's wrong with me? What kind of a horrible self-loathing mess am I?

The castle hallway began to blur out of focus, the tears filling up my eyes. I slowly slid down the wall, shaking too hard to stand, and wrapped my arms around me in a fetal position. I felt the amounts of shits I gave to slowly drift away, allowing me to sob as loud as I wanted.

I'm so dumb.

I'm so ugly.

I'm so hideous.

I'm such a mess.

I'm such an unlovable, hideous, dumb, ugly mess.

And it's no wonder that Shiro and Keith are disgusted with me. Why would they think anything else of me? I'm sitting here, sobbing my heart out, over a simple rejection. I bet Keith wouldn't act this way if he was rejected. I bet Shiro wouldn't be here, fighting the urge to self harm like I was.