trigger warning: mentions of self harm
i ended up cutting a lot, maybe a little too much. i ended up passing out due to all the blood loss.
i had an...interesting dream.
i went back to right before i met you after 8th period. you greeted me with a soft smile. it made my heart flutter. my cheeks started to blaze a bright red. you walked over to me, swinging your hips as you moved. i couldn't help but try to look at you. the sight made me...excited.
you gently placed one of your large hands on my skinny, bony face. your index finger caressed my cheekbone, while your pinky lifted my chin up carefully so i was forced to look at you. this only caused the prominent blush on my face to become stronger.
you whispered soft compliments in my ear and i thought i was about to cry i was so happy. i felt like i was floating, like i was flying. nothing could be better than this.
then you suddenly started leaning towards me and my heart started beating so fast that i thought it would rip out of my skin.
as you got less than an inch away from my face, you stopped moving and you smiled at me. your hand was once again moving slowly across my uneven skin. i was confused as to why you kept touching it, my skin was acne-filled and bumpy. i would have been disgusted to touch it.
however, you stood there closer than ever, and you touched my face while smiling. that damn smile. that always made my heart warm. that made me get butterflies. that made me blush.
you leaned towards me, just a little and our lips brushed. you pulled back slightly, but only to grin, and you pulled me in harder this time. you passionately pressed your soft lips onto my chapped ones. i started crying i was so happy. when you noticed this, you stepped back with a confused look on your face.
that face soon went away when i grabbed you tightly and kissed you with my tears mixing into it. your lips were so sweet, and i fell in love with the taste. i couldn't get enough of it.
i was so happy, for the first time in years. nevertheless, i knew that happiness would be short lived. i jolted awake with a gasp. noticing what had happened, i started to cry more. i sobbed violently. my tears falling to the cuts on my thighs and wrists, stinging each wound i had made prior to this.
i felt so useless, so broken. i should have known that you could never love me.
me, a broken, worthless boy who cuts himself and has tried to kill himself twice already.
me, the idiot who thought that maybe you and the other people at liberty could accept my sexuality.
me, the boy who fell for a homophobic guy.
what a piece of shit i am.
i would cut more, but i have to go to school now. i have to face you.
hopefully i make it out of school safe today.
-alex
[ yes i know all my stuff is depressing i'm sorry, that's just how i feel all the time. anyway thanks for 1,000+ reads!!! oh my goodness i never expected my book to get that many reads. thanks for liking my shit story]
<3 <3
