The Way You Kiss Me

Part 5

Lissa left my house. I sat there in disbelief at what happened. It happened so quickly. I felt happy. I met a beautiful girl. I was falling so hard for her,but I knew I had to keep this between us. No one could know. There was a nagging feeling that I need to be open to be a person of integrity, at what Cost? I would lose my job, the approval of my family, and everything dear to me. My world would come crashing down. I knew I wasn't happy and most importantly God wouldn't be happy with the lie I was living. Lying is wrong. For years, I have been lying to everyone about something so deeply apart of me. God, he knew. He knew when he molded me. I needed to realize that no amount of my own faults could keep him from loving me. By loving me, God was teaching me to break the chains of the lies and love myself.

Months later our relationship was budding like a flower. It was undeniable that I was falling for her. She had all the confidence in the world. Maybe it can from her big afro but I think it came from God. She helped me realize that I am ok. She loved me well, wholeheartedly, sacrificially. We were helping each other heal from the wounds of past. I wish I could be as near to her as we were those first six months, but things change.

We had been going to church together for sometime. We sat together with my family, who assumed we had become fast friends as our love was hidden. It was hidden not because of Lissa but my own fear. After we sat for the pastor to preach, I looked at her and smiled. She smiled that smile that could bring any grown woman to her knees. It was dazzling, genuine, and so joyful.

"Turn your Bibles to Romans 1." the pastor instructed.

I had almost felt the instinctual condemnation that would common next. Romans 1 was one of the commonly cited clobber pages. It was one I had been forced to read at conversion camp and the subsequent therapy. It made me feel sad as if I didn't love God enough to be straight. It always pushed me in working that much harder to keep up the lie and to change who I was. Lissa knew too because I felt her tense up. The message almost hurt me and included the idea that being gay was a choice, to say that sin was not just a lifestyle decision was wrong, to even identify as gay if one chose celibacy was wrong and an attack on the imago dei. One definitely couldn't love anyone in the pure biblical sense in a same-sex relationship. Gay relationships were plagued with issues and simply could never work. I heard a hundred thousand messages like this before in my lifetime. The yearly homosexuality is a terrible thing sermon is given. I always would dissociate to keep myself from hurting. I wasn't gay. I just hadn't found the right guy for me. The reality was there was no right guy for me. This time it hurt. It hurt because I knew that homosexual love could be something beautiful. I knew what Lissa and I had was beautiful and we centered our lives around a deep devotion to God. Why would he make us this way and choose to hate us? That didn't make any sense. I knew the belief that somehow my homosexuality was a brokenness was literally killing me. I had to let the truth come out, but I didn't know how.