The Way You Kiss Me

Part 7

Today was the day that I realized my truth in public, out loud. I was not afraid, not afraid of the fall out, not afraid of judgement, not afraid of change. Lissa taught me what it meant to be courageous. She was my courage. Now, I could be brave. Now, I live in the light of the truth of God.

We all worshiped together like normal. No one except Lissa and I knew what was to come. If I revealed what I was about to do to anyone, they wouldn't have let it happen. I knew this needed to happen it must so I could gain a sense of peace. I got up, my steps were strong and planted. I took a deep breath and smiled taking the time to pause and look at each face.

"Good Morning Church. I have been lying to all of you for much too long over a decade in fact. I feel horrible for this lie. I know I am called to live in the light, the light of God's truth. I met a person who was able to make me realize that the lie wasn't worth forgoing his truth. I fell in love with that person. They made me realize. I was ok. God was ok with me. He loved me no matter what. The truth is I am a lesbian. I have been running, hiding, and lying in order to escape the truth. I still love Jesus. I am still the same girl you always knew, but I don't romantically like men. I like women. I have tried everything to change it, but falling in love with Lissa came fast and easy. I knew it was the truth. My truth. God's truth. She has loved me with the very love of Jesus however imperfectly. I love her. Come up here, Lissa."

There was a silence. I was surprised they allowed me to speak so long. She walked quickly to the pulpit. I took her hand and raised it victoriously. Tears were rolling big and heavy down my cheeks.

"I love her. I love her. I don't see or beleive in a God that isn't of love. I resign from my position. I plan to take a position as a missionary in Guatemala. I will be leaving in two weeks. If you want to talk with me, take the time to do so. I will no longer sit down to listen to condemnation or an attempt to force me to lie. I will remain in the light and the truth."

I took Lissa's hand and we walked straight out of the church not evening looking back. I felt the most free I have ever felt in my life. I was happy. I could feel God smiling at me.

My parents came after me. My mom was crying hysterically. My dad looked angry.

"How could you embarrass us like that? How could you do that? In front of so many we know. That was so selfish of you. Most importantly you choose sin over God. God hates faggots like you." My dad angrily spat. The world faggot hit me. I had never heard my father use such language especially not directed at me. The fact that he chose to use it now, hurt

"Dad, it's me. It's me." Tears started rushing down my cheeks.

"What happened to you? You liked boys."

"I didn't. I never did. I am still your daughter. I am still the little girl that sang at the top of her lungs when cooking. I am still me."

"No, you changed, so things are going to have to change. You are no longer welcome in our home and most have all your things about by this evening. Go live with the dyke you love so much."

"But dad.... But Mom... I stammered. I am still me. I am still me. I will be gone in two weeks."

"Stop torturing your mother and our family. We want you out. We will not condone such sinful attitudes and behaviors like yours."

"But But But I love you."

There was no response. They stalked away back inside the church. I felt alone and discarded. I wanted to the crawl back into the lie I had lived for so long. I wanted to crawl back into acceptance and normalcy. I wanted to keep what I had. I was losing all of it at a pace I was unready to handle.

That afternoon I returned. Most of my things were already boxed. I knew they would do this, but I was hoping they wouldn't. I was going to leave everything in a small storage locker except the belongings I needed for the next two weeks. I was going to stay in Lissa's apartment and sleep on the couch. It was hard packing the truck with all my things and leaving this place I once called home never knowing when I would or if I would be invited back. I know I had done the right thing but I don't know why it felt wrong. I think what felt wrong was not what I did, but the response to what I did. It made me realize why the lie was so easy yet so hard.