casual affairs ||| ryden oneshots

i meant everything i said that night

desc: the side of my hand grazes his skin. he opens his eyes. he is so beautiful.

rating: pg-13

word count: 1,923

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I know I shouldn't be laying in the bed with him. I know.

The sheets are over our unclothed bodies, rays of golden sunlight casting a shadow on the white color of them. His legs, which are tangled between mine, shift, and I feel him turn over so he's facing me. He's still sleeping, and I can't blame him. It's still fairly early, and we did have a long night, so I don't wake him up, nor do I plan to.

And I know I'm staring at him, but it's a sad stare, because he is leaving me, and I know he's leaving me, because I know Ryan Ross, and I know that he's tired.

His body raises and falls with the breaths he takes, deep and relaxed, and I hate to say that this is the most at ease I've seen him, but it is, and he looks so flawless, and my heart is aching. I bite my lip gently and sigh, staring up at the ceiling, and why, god, why? I should be happy. I should be happy, but I'm not.

It's a silent morning. The vibe in the room isn't off, but it's not on, either. The hotel room is still adjusting to the sunlight and I feel so heavy, like something is weighing me down, and I realize that it's just the fact that I'm not ready to lose him, but it never mattered if I was or not, because he's still going, and I'm not sure I'll ever get him back.

I wonder why he wants to leave, because yes, we do have creative differences, of course, but being in a band is asking for that, and we've always worked them out before, and I'm trying, here, I'm really fucking trying to make this work, and he has to make it so difficult, and I can't stand it. I can't understand why he wants to leave me.

I won't let myself think about it. We still have this moment, right now, even if he is sleeping and I'm not, even if it is 7 in the morning, even if it is our last day together, even if he's going to be gone tomorrow, we still have this moment, and it's enough for me, because I love him so much, and baby, god, baby, why are you leaving me?

He shifts again, this time with a groan, and I smile down at him. The side of my hand grazes his skin. He opens his eyes. He is so beautiful.

It takes him a minute to register where he is, what time it is, what day it is, but that's alright, I stay quiet, I let him figure out for himself. He rubs his eyes and with a quiet sigh, shifts closer to me, yawning. I wrap an arm around him and I pull him in, and his skin, his warmth, it feels like home, and I'm completely captivated by him. I try so hard not to cry. I try so, so hard, but it doesn't work, because this is Ryan, my Ryan, and it feels like he's already gone, and I can't take it. I can't.

I take a shaky breath, sniffle, and he hears it, turning his head to look at me with one of the most pity-filled smiles I've ever seen in my entire damn life. He moves and crawls onto my lap, his hand moving up to caress my cheek, and tears are rapidly filling my eyes, and I don't know what to do, because he always sees me like this, but I'm not some broken man, and I hate that he sees me at my weakest, because I'm supposed to be strong for the both of us.

"Good morning," He whispers, the sound of his voice making my heart leap in itself. I whimper, wrap my arms around him and shove my head into the crook of his neck, pulling him as close as possible. He does the same. I am so heartbroken I can't even speak, so he does it for me. "Hey, Bren, hey."

"No," I say in a whisper, shaking my head, "don't talk. I don't want to.. I.. not yet. Please."

It's not that I don't want to hear his voice. He knows that. I just need this moment, this little moment of infinity that we have right now, because I'll never get it again, and I need this, because it's what makes my blood run, what makes my heart beat. Ryan's something that makes me live just a little bit longer, and right now, I need him, my baby, he's all I can think about, all I choose to think about.