NINETEEN | CHANGLIX

YEAR TEN

THE TENTH YEAR Changbin thought a lot.

"You're always hanging out with Felix," his father had snapped one day, "Everyone will think you're gay if you don't start making new friends."

Blushing upon being scolded so sternly in the early morning, Changbin had been unsure of how to react towards the unfamiliar word which rolled off his father's tongue with such distaste.

He knew well not to not have asked what it meant, and knew even better than to let his curiosity venture for the answer. For it appeared that whatever had begun to sharpen his father's edge around his mother had also began to sharpen his tongue, giving Changbin a feeling that the length of his temper was only due to get shorter.

Yet, when the day had finally settled and his bed beckoned him into its warmth, the sleep that had ought to come remained far away, Changbin's brain unable to forget the conversation from earlier.

So gingerly, he lifted his sheets, lips pursed as he carefully reached for his laptop, hoping that his grip was steady enough as to not alert his parents. He knew that they probably wouldn't hear over the TV which they thought could block out their heated words. Yet he found himself still hanging on to being careful just in case.

Once his laptop had loaded, he stared at the empty search bar, fingers hovering above the keyboard before deciding that the three letters alone would be enough.

Changbin watched as hundreds of searches flooded through and he couldn't help but feel his stomach sink. Him and his father had never been particularily close but he would've never thought he saw such a negative view on something Changbin himself barely even knew.

Like a child who had just learnt that it was unsafe to touch an iron but was unaware of exactly as to why he was being warned, the temptation to place himself in a scenario where this so called forbidency existed was one Changbin tried but failed to stop thinking about.

The ten-year-old was very well aware that he had liked girls before, admired their soft hair and creativity, the way they always seemed to know what they were doing despite being kids who had so much to learn. Although, he supposed he had never understood their need to be unecissarily mean out of nowhere.

That wasn't to say he understood the mischief and teasing of the boys around him any better. However nothing compared to the way their eyes always seemed determined, and their ability to always bring a smile to his face with their humour never failed.

Changbin couldn't help but feel guilty in the slightest, knowing that his father expected him to feel more disgust the word who's three letters should hold a power, it's mere mention creating a boundary Changbin should know not to cross. However the more Changbin thought about its meaning, the more it associated itself with thoughts he had never assumed to be so wrong.

To even begin questioning likings that were as natural as the sun rising every morning was already a difficult thing to do. So here Changbin was, brain hurting, trying to understand something that in no way could be further explained just because one person had acted like it was so abnormal.

His mind wondered back to his memories of last year, heart growing icy as his eyes flickered over to the faint scars visible on his knuckles, silver underneath the moonlight.

That night, Changbin eventually did fall asleep. However on doing so he had locked a door to a previous innocence and ventured through a new one with less oblivion — just as you do when you grow older.

—

To Lee Felix being nine was a glorious age.