Horis knocked upon the Dark Lady's door, an oyster held at the ready.
Yet, when she opened it and witnessed the way his tongue extracted the mollusc from its shell, she did not swoon or gasp. She merely yawned.
"I was sleeping. I don't care. Sod off," Lady Kabech croaked, then turned around and shuffled back into her room.
Horis trotted off to get a mussel. Oysters did not show enough of one's talent.
He knocked again, and paid more care in showing the twist he used to get a very high C out of Fert.
Kabech yawned again.
"I was sleeping. I don't care. SOD OFF." She shut the door on him.
Horis trotted off to get a snail.
He knocked again and skilfully wheedled the creature from its shell. He caught its emerging foot in his teeth and pulled it free, then swallowed it.
Still, Kabech yawned.
"I AM SLEEPING. I DON'T CARE. SOD OFF, YOU PILLOCK."
Horis needed something with more danger. A creature even Eraz would not dare tangle his tongue with.
He trotted off to get an octopus.
Horis knocked again, but while he was prising open the octopus' beak, it latched on with its tentacles. He panicked. It bit down on his tongue.
But it got him into Kabech's chamber with more than a yawn.
He fell in and she pulled the creature from his face.
"What are you doing?" she asked, standing over him in her nightgown. The octopus twirled its legs around her slender, silver arm.
Horis stood up, flicked the pompom of his nightcap away from his face, then sat on the edge of her slumber-cup.
"I know you've got needs that haven't been met in far too long, your highness," he said and patted the space beside him.
His tongue was in no state to be flapping about after that vicious attack, but he had to bare it and do his duty for her country.
"The only need that isn't being met is my need to sleep. Sod. Off." She crossed her arms and tapped her foot.
"I meant your carnal—"
SQUOOOPTHHH
She clobbered him so hard with the octopus it spat its brain out and a good deal of ink. All over their white linen nightclothes and the slumber-cup.
Luckily, it was a soft animal.
Horis stood up and flung the deflated mollusk aside so he could take her hands.
"I understand you are not warm towards me, and any number of more charming Tyvern would sing at the chance to be my Empress-to-be, but my position as Emperor-to-be dictates that it is you I must wed. I cannot take anyone less. And of course your position demands the same. You must wed someone of equal standing and I believe the only other option slipped your grasp."
Kabech tugged her hands free and cut them across his cheek with her knuckles.
She was not a soft animal.
"Sod off, you utter pillock."
He did not let his throbbing cheek dampen his spirit.
"I also got you a gift, and I can't bare to keep it from you any longer."
"I don't want your octopus."
"Come with me, it's outside."
He scooped her up and leapt out the window before she could protest.
YOU ARE READING
Revolting Relations
AdventureWhen summoned to retake his throne to mend the frayed relations of his homeland, Vrye finds himself undone by his weakness for relations of a more scintillating nature. Ensnared by the exquisite nose of an Alchemist, he elopes on the back of a unico...
