Flipped

Chapter 24- Words Unspoken

Rose

The cold, white fog of barely-there existence has returned.

After the police and detective left last night, I was vaguely aware of my brother shaking me, begging me to respond. I was then vaguely aware of my dad coming home shortly after and demanding to know what was going on, and why I was on the floor. I tuned in and out of the screaming match between Sam, Dad, and Mom that began next, and the fact that all of the yelling didn't send me into a full-blown panic attack was the final sign that I was officially Numb with a capital N. Through no choice of my own, and for the second time in a year, my mind's shields were up and I was in full-on shutdown mode.

Though I have only truly "shut down" a handful of times in my life, it has happened enough that Sam and I have been forced to stop and analyze it as a state of being. We have concluded that my shutdowns are sort of like a defense mechanism for my overly anxious brain, a state that I enter to avoid having a full-on mental breakdown.

It's nice in a way, to not feel. At least, I much prefer this to the swarm of emotions that I know I'd be feeling if I were not in shutdown mode.

"Rose....Rose. Psst, come on girl. You gotta wake up."

Slowly and reluctantly, my eyes flutter open to reveal Sam's concerned face just above mine, and above him is the ceiling of our bedroom. I want to ask him how I got here, but I know that I never will.

"You finally let me lead you up here at around midnight last night," he tells me, practically reading my mind like he always does. He must see the confusion on my face. "You were totally out of it."

I blink at him, my expression unchanging, I'm sure. I'm still confused, only now it's because I'm trying to figure out what day it is.

"School is in less than an hour," Sam tells me as he gets up from my bedside, stretching as if he's been kneeling there for awhile. "I know you probably don't want to go, but...."

On the contrary, I could use something to focus on. Something to distract me from the absolute mess inside of my head. If I had to draw the inside of my mind right now, it would probably look something like a kicked-over hornets' nest. My thoughts are a swarming mass of insanity with no direction, and I can't even pinpoint what the hell got me into shutdown mode in the first place. I'm sure I don't want to.

I get out of bed with no further prompting, much to Sam's obvious surprise.

----

The walk to school is more silent than I think it has ever been, and I am far too deep in my haze to even ponder about why this is.

That is the one and only thing that is ever-present, this haze. It's hard to describe, except that it somehow feels like I'm floating and sinking at the same time. I can't really think straight, and I feel detached from my body. I was in a haze when I got dressed, when I did my makeup, and when I ate breakfast. I can't even remember what I ate, just that it tasted like sawdust.

I think Mom and Dad both tried to engage me at some point, but their words just hit my shield and fell to the floor silent as cotton balls. Sam spoke for me like always, I'm sure. I should probably thank him at some point.

I don't remember Dan and Lucas joining us on the way to school, just that they weren't here and suddenly they are. It doesn't really make a difference; the walk is just as silent. Everybody seems to be very interested in their phones.

I almost wonder what they are all doing. I vaguely note that they seem to be texting each other, and wonder if it's that dumb group chat that they....huh. As quickly as that thought almost surfaced it is sucked back under and into the void. It dissolves effortlessly like a quarter teaspoon of sugar into a pot of boiling water, and just like that I have settled back into No Thoughts Land.