December Boys (BxB) | ✓

Chapter 35 - Foolish Eyes

"I— They said—" The words refused to form properly, both in my mind and my mouth. The sight of Axel standing in the doorway, holding a cup of steaming coffee, wearing his gosh-darned slippers, was so out of line with what I'd convinced myself of. The last two hours of panic was suddenly blotted out by this new image of Axel, so confused and sleepy, and so safe.

"Did something happen?" he asked in that serious tone of his. His dark brows were drawn together, and his fist clutched the cup in his hand. I could tell he was looking me over, from my sweaty forehead to the elf-like shoes Seth had ordered on eBay.

"I'm an idiot," I declared, more to myself than to Axel. I could feel my cheeks reddening, probably staining my already flushed face a darker crimson. Fuck. They'd been rumors. Of course they were rumors. It seemed like the most obvious conclusion now. Like when you watch the reveal of the culprit in a crime show, and you piece together all the clues and foreshadowing, realizing just how obvious the conclusion is. I'd believed some snotty second year's joke, abandoned Seth in the middle of an important competition, and showed up on Axel's doorstep, looking a fool in my Peter Pan costume.

Why had I thought Axel would show up to the party...? The fact that he didn't wasn't a proof of his injury, but rather a result of my track record of misunderstanding him. Just because he mentioned it in an offhand comment last week, didn't mean he meant to show up. At a loss for words, I dropped my gaze and studied Axel's slippers.

"Do you want to come in?" Axel took a sip of his drink, then pushed the door open, just enough to allow me entrance if I wanted it.

"I'm supposed to be at the party," I mumbled, thinking about Seth and Best Costume and celebrating his inevitable victory over Miriam Reed. I should have been in the crowd now, rooting for my buddy and booing his competitors. Why wasn't I? Why was I on Axel's doorstep, all of a sudden believing rumors I would have scoffed at before?

"You should at least borrow a jacket."

Axel moved away — his feet disappeared from my view — and there came a rustling sound from nearby. I was still red, still sweating, and still feeling like the most foolish boy in town.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, wiping my brow with my hand. "I shouldn't have come. It's late, you're probably heading to bed, Seth is winning Best Costume..."

"Come on," Axel said, grabbing hold of my shoulder and hauling me inside. He left me no time to ponder or worry, but led me straight to his couch and deposited me on it. "I'll get you a drink. Hot chocolate?"

I said nothing, only stared at the coffee table and the streets below Axel's room. The windows had been fixed so well you couldn't tell they had ever been broken. I could still picture the empty holes in the wall, could still feel the wind, still recognize the panic brewing in my chest.

Why was I here?

Axel returned to my side, cup of hot chocolate in hand. He left it on the table before seating himself next to me. His laptop was closed and lying between us on the couch.

"What's going on?"

My eyes found the floor and stayed there. I studied the flecks of natural discoloration, brain dancing a wild tango in my head. How could I answer his question without revealing any of the other stuff? How could I talk to Axel, skirting the topic Seth and I had discussed back at the graveyard? I felt sick and confused, so I buried my face in my hands.

"I don't know."

"You sure?"

"It's the truth."

I drew a shaky breath, pressed my fingers against my eyes until fireworks exploded behind my eyelids. This was stupid. Why hadn't I just stopped for a second and thought things through before sprinting over here? I'd had countless opportunities to gather my wits, both at the hospital and while I sat in the cab. This was my own fault, but stewing in the doubt and desperation was doing my head in. For the second time that night, I was faced with an impossible conversation.