See You Soon

Fear

No one truly believes that someone like me has so much to deal with. People think I was so happy and aware of everything around me. That's not really true, because I live in constant fear. Fear is normal for people right? So why do I feel it all the time? It doesn't make sense I've nothing to be afraid of, and I'm safe. I don't understand why I am always afraid when I come home. I guess it kind of started when I was younger, but I usually just ignored it and it went away. Sometimes things don't make sense and I don't know what to do about it, so I just bottle it up for something else to worry about. People get the misconception that I'm actually a really happy person as I've mentioned before, but that changed when I got a little older. Adults think as kids we don't know what stress is, but that's quite the opposite. adults are the one putting the stress on us in the first place, for example: School. It's hard for teachers to realize that we're not machines, we need a break. Every time I go home with a bad grade and it's visible on my PowerSchool, I am always afraid. I know I'm going to lose something, and I know I'm never going to get it back even if that grade is up.
I always do my best in school you know? at least I've tried to, and that's all people can really get from me because I'm really not motivated. Schools drained me over the years, I used to be really happy because it gave me a time to be away from home. But now it feels like a prison. And I'm always being evaluated, and they won't ever stop grading everything, and they never stop talking, and the teachers they never help, and everyone seems to know what they're doing except for me and it's scaring me because I don't know why.
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
WHY?!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE SEEM TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING EXCEPT FOR ME?!
I'm scared right now, I don't even have a reason this time. Well that's a lie, I got a 55 out of 70 on a college application paper for my Advanced Comp. class. I did everything she told us to do, I underline everything, I highlighted everything, I calculated the average of my verb usage... But it wasn't enough.
Why wasn't good enough?
That paper gave me a panic attack because I didn't have my iPad and I didn't have anything else to use.
I work so hard, and all I got was a terrible grade.
I don't think she'll let us make changes this time, and I need this grade but I don't need the class because I have my English credits already. I just want to graduate.
I just want to get out of this stupid town the stupid place I can't take it anymore!
The small town is driving me crazy. How am I supposed to live if I don't even know how. I can't have a job, can't even think about leaving this town because it's trapped me here so long I can't imagine my life without it. Can't imagine my life living out of it. God I hate this town. Everything about it, the people, the bars, just everything. Sadly it's not a possibility for me, escaping that is.
My friends say they're there for me, it's not that I don't believe them.... It's that I'm too far gone ever be helped. At least in my opinion I am. Forever trapped in a stupid small town never to escape because all it does is trap you. All this stupid town does is hold you hostage until the day you die. It's a disease, a plague, a nightmare. I wish I could leave, but I can't I have nowhere to run. So I'm trapped in this stupid town, with nowhere to run.
I'm scared I'm going to die in this town.