See You Soon

All I Want For Christmas

I'm not sure how long this chapter will be. I'm not sure how long I can mask my feelings either. Last Sunday my family and I went to visit my uncle who has-- I mean had been battling cancer. I'm not used to saying his status in the past tense. Tuesday he had passed away. The second my mom came home and choked the words, "I have some bad news," I knew something was wrong. I knew that day wasn't right at all. But it hurt, and filled me with such grief I couldn't handle it. His daughter, my little cousin, won't remember much of her father. What hurt me the most was when my dad came home the next day and talked about how my uncle suffered and was in pain. He talked about it loud enough so I could hear. I didn't need to know. I broke down that night and just vented about how much I was struggling. One of my friends said it hurt her to see me like this. In pain.
And to tell the truth:
It's hurting me too.
I've never felt true grief before. When my great grandma died I was only 2 or 3 and I hardly remember the funeral or what was going on. I was 12 or 13 when my cousin committed suicide, I hardly knew him. We weren't big travelers and still aren't sadly. I miss that side if the family. But I'm feeling so many emotions I never knew or experienced before. His funeral is Sunday, and I don't know how well I'm going to manage. I don't want to be in a vulnerable position, I don't want to look weak, and I don't want my family to see that. I've been told not to cry so much as it makes me an easy target.
An easy target.
Easy target.
Target.
I'm not a punching bag.
I'm not weak.
I'm not vulnerable.
And I most certainly am not a target.
But I'm a doormat struggling to speak up in a world that tunes me out.
This is the only place I have to convey my words.
The only place I can speak up and people listen.
People listen.
To me.
It's a thought I'm not used to.
And something I love.
In a world filled with people talking over me, this is the only place people will hear me.
But...
How am I going to get through this?
How do I stop grieving?
I need to know..
I have to know..
Somebody,
Please tell me how.
I'm so used to being told what to do,
That when I'm given a choice,
I can't chose for myself.
Someone else needs to.
And I hate that.
Somebody please tell me what to do.
It's all I know.
Taking orders,
It's how I grew up.
And I need to know what to do next.
Won't somebody tell me?