See You Soon

Me

I guess I should learn introduce myself before I go on about my life.
my name is Mackenzie, but a lot of people just call me Alucard.
I'm gender-fluid, so just be safe everyone just calls me Kenzie or Alucard. I literally respond to either one.
I usefd to be called Noctis, but that name was tainted with bad memories. So I wished not to be haunted by it any longer.
Fun fact: Alucard is Dracula backwards.
Cool name right? Yeah I think so too.
I'm 17 and all the 18 at the end of July. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't even know if I want to go to college... if I do, it'll be a technical college, so, yeah.
I have an older sister, but I live in her shadow constantly. The expectations that she left my parents used for me, and still are. I'm not like her so I don't know why they want me to be like her. Or at least follow in her footsteps in finding something to do in the future.
But I don't know what I want to do.
I want to know what's all other there for me.
I have plenty of friends some don't actually meet the standards of friends, but I guess they're acquaintances?
not naming names, but some of them really aren't really hard on my good side right now.
Don't know why my friends always talk crap about each other, and I always try not to. But sadly when you're a girl, it's kind of hard not to talk crap about someone.
Girls tend to understand emotions better than anyone, because we use those to our advantage. So why do we do it to the people we care about? Why do we do it to each other, when we're friends? It doesn't make sense to me, so some friends who are talking crap about my other friends who are their friends, aren't really doing their greatest with me right now.
I'm also asexual by the way. Not in the terms I don't love anyone but that I'm repulsed by sex. Now you're probably wondering how do I know if I've never had sex before? Am I right? Well to be frank with you doesn't matter. Sex is talked about all the time, and frankly some of my friends talk about it. And when they do I get really uncomfortable and when I try to think about it I just want to die. I want to take a knife and carve my brain out just so I don't have to think about it.
Love is a complicated thing for me.
Something I never  got to feel.
I'm not allowed to date. I know I'm undesirable in many people's eyes, but that's not my problem. By undesirable I mean I'm not really pretty, I am in fact quite the opposite.
My friends say I'm a snack, whatever that means. Not sure if it's a compliment, or if they're really resorting to cannibalism. But I'm also queer, and I really don't know who I am anymore. The spectrum of sexuality for me has changed over time, at first it was bisexual, gay, bisexual again, gay once more, pansexual, and now once again queer. So it's really hard for me to find myself, when I see that I'm attracted to one too many people. That sentence doesn't make sense. But then again I'm someone who has a great passion for writing, I don't even know how to use words myself. I'm not one to express myself with words because I find it really hard, but for some reason whenever I write a fictional story it's all just there. Like I never had any problem at all.
Now my grandma. My grandma doesn't know anything about me yet, because I really want to find myself first. But she's a wonderful woman, and I could not ask for a better person to come into my life and be there for me when I need her the most. I write her letters sometimes, I feel really bad I've fallen behind. But she wrote me back when I was at my lowest, and made living something I really want to do again. She doesn't know that I really want to die, she doesn't know how bad my anxiety is, she has no idea how much I hate myself. Because in her eyes I'm still this girl was so much potential, and she'll never stop believing in me. Monday that the world takes her away from me, saddest day of my life. My grandma is so wonderful, I could never ask for a better influence in my life.
...
...
...
I wish you didn't move away. I wish you stayed.
But you had to do what you had to do, and one day I'll go visit you.
My sister's a big nerd. But she's so wonderful too, she loves science and is always there to help me with my homework if I need it. She's been checking up on me lately seeing how I'm doing, and always willing to listen if I'm feeling really bad. she's always giving me things to draw so I keep myself busy and my mind off of everything that's worrying me. One day I'm going to get really good at art, I'm not going to let her down. I'm going to draw her something so wonderful, she's going to really be proud of me. And it doesn't matter if she already is, I just want her to be happy.
I want her to succeed, what she really wants to do in science. I believe she said she wanted to work in a hospital in the labs. I do hope she makes it there one day, because if there's anyone I know that deserves it, it's her. She's worked so hard to get the degree she has, and I get the job that she has now so she can make it to where she wants to be the most. And I really want to be there too.
A place I want to be.
I wonder if I'll ever achieve it.
Wondering is all I have left.
If you knew me in person, my body language is quite anxious. I'm always running something under my finger nails, always fidgeting. I'm never still, I have to keep myself moving. Like a shark. But,,,I prefer stingrays.
Other facts and such about myself:
Favorite colors? Red, pink, white, and blue.
Favorite animals? Ones that don't kill me(keeping my eyes on you Hippo >.>)
Do I know any jokes? Yeah, one, creds to Jimmy Fallon for this one: Vitamin C, is Spanish for vitamin yes.
Dogs or cats? Um...Tbh I'd have to go with cats a bit more. I love dogs, but I isolate myself like a cat soooo yeaaaahhh.
Birds? Did you mean... Birbs?
Favorite thing to do besides write? Draw I'll show a photo of a drawing I did a while ago. Not sure how I feel about I now, but I may improve over time.

Any hopes or dreams? I dream of the day I don't wake up 35 years old, working at a job I hate because as a teenager I was forced to figure out a career when I couldn't figure out the difference between the left and right socks.
I'm a senior in high school.
I want to work for a year when I get out, but then I won't go to college. Maybe online? I'd mostly be working to start off...
I'm not sure.
I wonder if anyone else is.
One of my friends is, she's gonna be a tattoo artist, another is gonna be a graphic designer, and I have no hecking idea what I wanna do. ;∆;
I hope I figure out what I want to do soon.
Either way I'll be working until I die.
I'm trying to think of something to end with, but sadly I can't.
Cause I'm still bitter about my stupid essay's grade. I looked at my paper when I got it back, and looked at the rubric and most grading was a point off.
I don't think she did her math right > ~<''