See You Soon

What now?

Tis that time again where I lay and think to the point I panic. I think to myself, 'I'm better off dead.'
But that's not true.
It's the end of the first semester in my final year of high school. I'm scared. I never felt like this. I just want to leave this place, but I'm finding it hard to do so.
Why?
Leave like my sister did, and make things better for yourself!
Just be like her!
Just be like her!
Just like her!
Just like her.
Just...like her.
Just..like..
Just...
I refuse.
I never say 'No' to anyone or anything.
I feel like I was raised as a doormat.
I can't be like my sister. She's so smart, and passionate about the thing she loves. Science! Microbiology!
I'm...Not.
Not passionate about a lot of things.
Except kids, animals, and cleaning.
Taking care of them, and finding them homes(the animals).
Cleaning is just relax for me, so I do it a lot.
Helping kids with their problems best I can, heck, helping anyone best I can. But I don't want to go to college. My dad has money for me to go but...what would I study? Even if I went to a technical college, transferring to a four year still is a lot, though it's the cheapest option I have.
But it's not enough.
I'm not passionate about anything enough to go somewhere, and feel like garbage all over again.
I can't. No, I won't.

3/6/19

That's my returning date to this chapter.
My bpd is only getting worse.
I hate watching my friends ignore their responsibilities, and instead become a lie. Tracing. Not genuinely putting any work into anything. Taking something, going over it, and claiming they did it. If I did that, I'd surely feel the guilt creeping around my body. Engulfing me into agony.
I have enough guilt.
I don't need more.
I want to drift away from them.
The ones who bother me.
The ones who say they love me but don't.
I want to.
But I can't.
I'm too sweet.
Too naive.
Too... Kind.

I'm...too forgiving.
I can't say no.
I only say yes.
Only yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes!
Never...no.
I only get no.
I only say 'no' to myself.
But in the end,
Even when I say no,
Even to myself...
I always end up,
Saying yes.

So what now?
What do I do now?
I feel like I know what I'm gonna do with myself after I graduate.
I'm gonna work at a humane society.
Take care of animals.
Show them the love others could have gotten if they didn't lie.
I want...
               To find...
                               Myself.
I want,
            To learn,              
                           How to love,
                                               Me.

5/23/19

I'm graduating.