Jatrix

Chapter 5

"Where are we!? And what is this monstrosity that I'm wearing? And where's my leg?!" I scream at him.
"You put this upon me! This curse began when you showed up!"
"You think you have trouble?! I'm starting to forget English language!" He shouts back. My eyes go big about half way through his little rant. "And I'm losing acce-"
"Shut up, guns!" I whisper shout at him as people dressed in western outfits quickly surround us. Shoot, I'm losing my British accent too. 
"Hand 'im over Red and we ain't gonna have a problem," the ugly toothless American says. He appears to be the leader, and the whole group follows his lead, copies his poses, and squints their eyes at me like him. "Americans," I mumble under my breathe.
"Whatdju say!" He barks taking a step forward at me.
I grab the pirate (who is now a Native American) and throw him in the middle of their group. They all seem a bit shocked that I cooperated with them so easily, as I say, "All yours." I fake wipe dust off my hands on him.
"I'm free! Bye pirate!" I shout climbing up the stairs.
He doesn't protest, but rather says in a deep almost meaningful voice, "that small anticlimactic."
He looks at the ground, "wait...that not right."
I laugh at his misery, but it comes out in a small American chuckle instead of my amazing loud British cackle.
I stomp the floor in frustration. I realize too late that that was a stupid thing to do as my peg leg gun goes off. The bullet goes through a hole in the floor, hits a piece of metal, ricochetes off a few things and finally lands in the leaders heart. He had his foot on the pirates chest, and the pirate seems relieved when the leader falls over. "Thank the spirits!" He says getting up from the dusty parlor floor. "Wait...this still not right."
They all stand there looking at me completely shocked. It takes about three seconds for every gun to be pointed at me.
I put my hands up defensively, "Now listen fellas, it was an honest mistake. I didn't-"
Before I'm able to finish my opening statement, what sounds like dozens of guns going off resounds throughout my big beautiful saloon.
I hit the floor sure of my death. However, as the dust clears I realize I might not be dead. I hear shouting and horse noises as the gang members flee from my saloon.
In their place stands broken firecrackers and a man in a suit with a mask on his face.
"I am the Lone Ranger, and I am here to save you!" He says as if he's the biggest hero of the century.
"Are you the only one here?" I ask less impressed. I stand up, shake off the dust for real, and head back down the stairs.
"Well...yes!" He says still quite triumphant.
"No back up?" I ask.
"Well...No! We don't need back up!" He says barely losing faith.
"What is it you do again?" I ask.
He scratches his head, "Well, I mean, if we're being completely honest I'm a lawyer."
I look at the Indian who is strangely calm through all of this and I say, "We're screwed. Let's head out before they come back." He nods his head and I pull him by his shirt out the back door. I shout back at the bandit or ranger or whatever, "And take off that mask, you look like a six year old!"
"I'm 27!" He shouts at me indignantly. The moment we walk out the doors, a horse appears, how convenient! We get on it's back ready for...Well, whatever challenge comes next.
"Wait! Where are you going!" The Lone Ranger shouts.
"Wherever the story takes us!" I shout back.