Subconscious

VII

"What...?"

"I'm really sorry."

Have you ever experienced feeling a stabbing pain in your heart? Almost as if you have caught an illness or something. They say a heartbreak could kill you. I'm surprised they're not yet dead.

What? You thought I was breaking up with someone? Well no, not me. But my friend Fresha and Daniel. No, they aren't a couple, at least not yet. But they experienced that stabbing pain called a heartbreak. 

Let's start with Fresha. Fresha is in a relationship with her longtime crush. They've been together for about 4-5 years-ish. She told us that they met each other in the company that she is currently working at. Apparently, they worked in the same department and immediately became good friends after her welcoming party. Fresha had a major crush on this guy. I remember her talking about him with a bright smile on her face. The little and insignificant things would make her smile. It was like she reverted back to being a teenager. 

Like a fool in love- is what I originally thought. 

But then, every time I would see her, she looked brighter by the day. They got together two years after they met. I thought that maybe this relationship would make her smile even more. In the beginning, it did look like something that you would see in a fairytale. She would spend as much time as she can with him, to the point that she would rarely hang out with us. Her social media would be beaming with sickening and cheesy things that couples would do. 

She was happy and that was good.

Then they had their first big fight. She came to us ranting about how stupid her boyfriend is. She told us that she's suspecting her boyfriend of cheating. We all tried our best to comfort her. In the end, we drank till everyone was drop dead. Except for me. I tried my best to keep up with everyone. I took her phone and called her lover over. When he got there, he was exhausted. He immediately thanked me and carried her to the car.

"I'm not the type of person to intrude in one's personal problems but Fresha really loves you." So don't hurt her.

He simply smiled at me and nods his head. "Yeah, I'll try to clear up the misunderstanding." 

When he drove off, my blank expression turned slightly grim. I had a gut feeling that things won't be going well starting from now on. I clicked my tongue and went back inside. The next day, they talked things out and are back to their mushy selves. Yeah well, I thought that everything would be fine but it was just the beginning of a quite toxic relationship. 

They had good days and bad days like every other couple. Then suddenly, she just started avoiding the topic altogether. We tried to pry, to get her to talk about what's currently happening in their relationship. But she would change the topic or make-up excuses. We were all worried about her. Riza even tried contacting her boyfriend in which he would respond by saying I'm at work or I'm busy call me later. 

Then five or six years-ish since they met, we found out that they were through. The night she told us her side of the story was really heartbreaking. And at this point, you don't really know what to say. 

She told us how she stayed with him despite knowing that he was cheating with her. She still had a glimmer hope in her heart despite the fact that he would be calling the name of another person during the night. Sometimes he would mistake her for someone else. Then when he finally went home after a long time, he would suspect her for cheating herself. She said one time he got mad in front of her when he found one of Russel gifts. It was a really expensive plant. She said that she didn't really disclose Russel's name and avoided any question that might make him storm at Russel's home. She also said that because of his boiling anger, she was almost slapped by him. She said there was both anger and jealousy in his eyes.  But that might just be her delusion. 

That's all I could say, any more and I might just be prying into something that might be the truth mixed with lies. Fresha was stayed despite knowing that the guy would hurt her. I believe that she is an amazing person. She's doing amazing at the moment, stronger but still lovable. Fresha has a new lover by the way and is currently engaged to him. And I'm happy for her. 

And this is a message to all the cheaters out there. "How could someone be so selfish? I tried to mend what we had, I tried to make things work. I stayed despite knowing that you were with someone else. I stayed despite feeling the loneliness and pain. I endured everything to be with you. You can call me a stupid idiotic fool and I don't care. That's how much hope I had known that maybe someday you would look at me like how you looked at me at the beginning of our relationship. Even if it would seem so far-fetched, I was still stupidly hopeful. I hated that you tried to kiss someone else, fucked someone else and said I love you to someone else when you know that I was waiting for your stupid ass to get home. When you know that I would stay up late hoping that I would greet you before I sleep. I hated that the fact that I don't even know when your lies started. I don't even know why you did what you did. Was it me? Was there something I did? Was it something I said? Those days knowing that you're with someone else, I was in bed judging and criticizing myself. I felt so low. But I still stayed. So when I had enough and went out to meet people, don't you dare get mad at me when you find out that I was hanging out with someone else that is not you. Because you were not there when I needed you. I apologize if I'm that type of person who couldn't stand having her lover be with someone else. But I won't apologize for not being good enough. Because I tried to be good enough but you wanted more and more and more and more, to the point where you started seeking other people to fill your desires. Because to you, I'm not enough.  So don't get mad when I leave you and break up with you and possibly destroy your things... Because you started investing your promises to another. You started giving whatever it is your offering to another. You said that your heart is still with me. Bullshit. No one can separate the heart and the body. If you wanted to be with me then, be with me only. If you wanted to be with her, then tell me so the heartbreak won't be as bad. In the end, I was only hurt while you so easily moved on like switching from one snack to another. But thanks to the heartbreak, I've learned my lesson.

Sincerly, Author-san."