Liquid Courage

Night 003

Two consecutive nights. I managed not to get drunk for two nights. And that is something I should be proud of myself because these past few months, I can’t last a day without alcohol in my system.

I tried hard not to come here today. I tried…I fucking tried. But I know I needed my daily dose of alcohol tonight or I’ll go insane.

I sat in my favorite spot—the gutter. I looked down, the street is still busy. I hear the honking of cars, the chatters of people, and their footsteps. I’ve been observing these for months and it’s a beautiful sight. One minute the street is so packed but when the night goes deeper and deeper, everything fades away. Streets get tired too and they need a break. And the next day, it will be on roll again.

I wish I could be like the streets. I wish I could be okay again the next day. Like nothing happened the day before.

Tonight, I won’t go light. I brought vodka with me because I know my favorite beer won’t be able to handle me.

No more champagne glass, no more lime, no more salt…I drank straight from the bottle of vodka. As soon as it went down to my mouth, I closed my eyes and savored its taste. Bitter but still better than my life.

After a few swigs, I can feel my eyes welling up. Vodka’s too strong it’s making me weak. Or maybe I am really weak. No matter how strong my façade is, I can only pull it off in front of everyone. When it’s just me and my beer in this rooftop, the walls I’ve built slowly crashes down.

I know I deserve to feel this way. I did this to myself. But I can no longer breathe.

“Why did you let them hurt you?” I didn’t realize he was here. There was a look of disappointment in his eyes. If it’s because of me, I do not know.

I know the answer to his question but I chose not to voice it out. Instead, I smiled at him and offered the vodka I’m drinking. But he ignored it.

“You should’ve told them to fuck off. They were hurting you!” he looked at me as he said those words, as if trying to get it to my mind. That’s the thing though, I completely comprehend it yet I can’t apply it. I should not apply it.

I looked away. His eyes were too intense its burning a hole in me.

“You don’t know what happened,” I whispered quietly. 

“I was there,” he held my shoulders and forced me to look at him. “And the Margaret that I know will stand up for herself. I was waiting for you to do something; I don’t want to help you because I know you can handle it. But why didn’t you do anything?”

He was shouting. And I cannot ignore the frustration in his voice. I know he was concerned and I cannot understand why. Why would he care for someone like me? For someone he met a few days ago?

“You don’t know me, Esquivel,” I removed his hands on me. “Do not talk as if you know me.”

He opened his beer in can and gulped its content. There’s tiredness and defeat in his eyes as he started speaking again, “You’re right. Maybe you are not the Margaret I knew.”

I don’t know what he is talking about. But he’s right. I am no longer the Margaret from before.

“You just know the Margaret of the Student Council and University Publication. The one who’s tough, brave and doesn’t back down to challenges,” I raised my vodka and took another sip. I looked at him and smiled, “News flash, Alfonso, that Margaret is gone.”

“Don’t smile,” he said as if it’s a grave sin.

I tried my best to smile but it cracked. It cracked and tears started rolling down from my eyes, wetting my cheek. I looked up, hoping the tears won’t fall down. But it’s as if they have their own mind, they just won’t listen to me.

“It’s okay if everyone hates me. I’ll take all the stones they throw at me. All the insults they say behind my back. It’s okay, I can take it all…but it’s not okay when it’s my best friend,” my voice cracked but I continued. “We’ve…w-we have been friends for years and we have been through a lot. She’s the person I can count on to, she’s my soulmate, and she…she understands me more than I understand myself. She’s the best but I ruined her…I ruined us…I ruined our friendship.”

I looked at the bottle I’m holding. Vodka’s not that strong tonight. The pain is stronger.

“It’s true. Whatever you heard about me, all the things they say…I did it all.” I searched for his eyes hoping I would see disgust. I know he knows about what happened. It’s not a secret. And people have been talking about it nonstop. But I don’t see anything, he’s just looking at me like I’m me…like I’m normal.

“Still they have no right to hurt you, Margaret. You should not let them,” he said.

I looked at him in disbelief. “Didn’t you hear what I did? I fucking slept with my best friend’s boyfriend! I am a slut, a piece of shit, a bitch and an ungrateful friend who destroyed her best friend’s relationship. I did it,” I paused and breathed. This is actually the first time I’m admitting what I did, because the people around won’t just let me speak.

“And no reason will justify what I did to her. I know that I deserved everything, Esquivel. All the slaps I’ve received? It’s not even enough!”

You’re supposed to feel better when you let out what you’ve been bottling up inside. You’re supposed to feel a little okay because finally, you have released it. But not me. I felt even more disgusted with myself. Each time I speak about it, I just felt worse. And I wanted to hurt myself too…because how can I do that to my friend? How can I let that happen?

I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to. But I feel like I have no right. I have no right to feel better after hurting myself. I should not be allowed to be okay. I deserve to feel all the pain I inflicted to my friend.

“So what if you fucked up? We all do. Don’t punish yourself too much, Margaret,” he said as he opened another can of beer and gave it to me. Seeing my vodka almost empty, I accepted it. Then he smiled at me.

The first time I saw him smile, I knew there’s something in it. And there is. Unlike the smiles I’ve received before, his was genuine. 

To be continued…