The Child Zoo

Chapter 15

"Lets go in the garden
You'll find something waiting
Right there where you left it
Lying upside down
And when you finally find it
You'll see how it's faded...
The underside is lighter when you turn it around
Everything stays
Right where you left it
Everything stays
But it still changes
Ever so slightly
Daily and nightly
In little ways
When everything stays..."

When I finish singing I touch my bump thinking about the creature inside. I have to go back to the doctor today to try and get the gender of the baby. At my mid-pregnancy ultrasound about two weeks ago the doctor couldn't get a good enough view to tell.

Turning my head to face the wall I let out a deep sigh, feeling that ever so familiar emptiness deep inside of me. The feeling swells, consuming every part of me, steeling my air, taking over like a vicious tyrant. I try to lighten up, I try to be better, but it doesn't work. I fail every time, just like I failed at everything else in my life.

It's the middle of the night and I can't find the energy in myself to move to get my pills so I just lay there, an empty vessel. I listen to the buzz of silence that penetrates my brain, struggling not to lose my mind. On the outside I am motionless, devoid of anything, but on the inside a hurricane rips through my mind tearing things apart as they weld back together, fighting and thrashing and morphing.

My heart feels so sinkingly empty, yet my mind feels like its on fire, exploding like a thousand shards of glass. I want to scream, but I can't. My mind and body fight, equally matched as I come to a standstill. My heart beats ever so slow, I just want to rip it out, end the torture. Yet I stay motionless, staring at the wall. This depression is insufferable. I feel like I'm dying.

It's as if someone is holding my head under water all the while forcing me to breath. The combination of pure emptiness and utter chaos is indescribable. The pain mixed with numbness, the clarity within the heartache. Who knew emptiness could feel so heavy on the heart?

I take in one deep, sharp, breath, as if breathing myself back to life before my heart stops beating all together.

Thump.....
breath....
Thump....
Breath...

My breathing is as slow as my heartbeat, each breath as painful as each beat of my dying heart. With static on my mind to block out my thoughts, I lie awake until morning.

The alarm and the voice come over the intercom signaling the start of the day. Groggily I get up rubbing my red, crusted, eyes. My footsteps are slow and make a dull thud as I walk over to the mirror in the bathroom. This is normally where most people would say they don't recognize themselves, but the problem is I do recognize myself. I've grown all too familiar with my empty, lifeless eyes, my too far gone expression, and the shadow of despair that seems to hang over my very existence.

Breakfast today is waffles with a side of strawberries, I push the plate away. I don't feel hungry, I don't feel anything. Pushing myself off of the ground I go to stand in line with the others. The day passes normally, as normal as it can be.

Artificial grass touches my feet, the scent of new house and people fills my senses, and the sight of hell meets my eyes, flames blazing hot with fury, destroying everything in its path. I try never to think too hard about the people encased here with me, because if I do I'm afraid I'll succumb to my own destruction.

"Serendipity" snapping out of my own daze, I look to my side and am met with the dark brown eyes of my doctor. "Ready for your next appointment?" Her voice is always so chipper, always in complete contrast with my mood. She asks the question like I have a choice, but deep down there is a great curiosity blooming with anticipation to know if I will be bringing a boy or girl into the world.

I give her a slight nod and follow her out of the enclosure and into the office. She takes my weight, my height, blood pressure, etc. before I shuffle my way onto the table to sit. Flipping through some papers on a clipboard a look of disapproval makes its way onto her features.

"Serendipity, your nutrition levels are low, and your body's overall health is declining. Your bodily symptoms show signs of depression, are you not taking your medication? Or is there a need for an up in dosage?" I look down at the floor, feeling hopeless.

"Do you ever feel so heart wrenchingly soul consumingly lonely? So lonely that it keeps you up at night because you can't sleep with the overwhelming emptiness? Do you ever get so down you can't see an up? Do you ever get so crushed that you just want to stay down? Do you ever feel that massive, gaping hole of despair so deep within your soul?" My voice is thick with emotion, as I let silent tears slip down my face.

Through blurry eyes I look up into hers, wishing that somehow with that look I could make her feel my pain, even if just for a second. Her eyes droop and her face cracks with despair as she looks at me.  "I..." her voice is unsteady as she searches for words, for anything.

Clearing her throat she composes herself, even though emotion can be seen hidden in her eyes. "Well lets get you on your back and find out if there is a little boy or a little girl in there yea?"

With a heavy sigh I roll into my back and look at the ceiling. She spreads the gel over my stomach and is silent for a bit before a gentle smile graces her face. With a soft voice she tells me "it's a little girl" and I feel the slightest flutter in my heart.

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November 14th, 2112
11/14/2112