It's What Mothers Do

10

Ariella is two months old now and starting to achieve little milestones, like attempting to hold her head up and making cute little ooh's and aah's. You try to feel some joy in it all, but the constant feeling of sadness and not being enough weighs heavily on your mind. You want to be the best mother you possibly can, but how can you do that when you don't even feel connected to your daughter? Sure, when she was born you truly felt elated, but that was very short lived.

She always has trouble feeding from you, so your mom got you to express your milk and store it that way in case Ariella needed something extra. Another thing you clearly failed at. She seems to cry whenever you're around her, so you try to keep your distance. You worry about her constantly, paranoid that you'll only hurt her if you try and nurture her. Your mom and dad are better at that than you are. There really is no need for you. Ariella is happier with your parents. At least that way she technically has two. They look like a happy family, who needs you anyway?

Those are just some of the thoughts that swarm through your brain every single day. It gets worse at night as you toss and turn, unable to shut off. You tried reading and playing guitar as you once found them to be enjoyable, but it's no use now. You don't have the patience or the want to do anything except lay in bed.

You know your parents are worried, you don't blame them. You used to be their bubbly daughter, full of laughter and smiles, but these days you truly couldn't give a shit what happened to you. In fact, your brain would tell you that your daughter is better off without you, that you're only burdening her. You know your thoughts aren't okay, but you don't know what to do. You don't want to add yet another stress into your family's lives.

The sound of your daughter's cries fill your bedroom as you stare at her crib. It's currently six in the morning and you've been staring at the same four walls all night. You did manage to soothe Ariella from time to time during the night with the help of your mom. To be honest, all you did was hand her another bottle of expressed milk and stared at the two of them while your mom softly sang to your daughter.

"Y/N, Ariella is crying. You need to pick her up" your mom's voice breaks through your depressive cycle, and you slowly draw your attention to your baby.

"Yeah, okay" you reply, your voice lacking any form of emotion. It's evident in your tone how exhausted you are, both physically and mentally. With shaky hands, you pick up your daughter as she continues to cry. You try and hold her to your chest , shooshing her as she wails. "It's okay, I've got you" you say with no emotion. Your mom watches on with worry in her eyes.

"Try and get her to latch on Y/N, maybe that'll help" she suggests, but you can only feel yourself getting worked up.

"She doesn't want me, take her" you state, your tone of voice cold. You tried and you failed.

"No, she needs her mother Y/N. You can do this, just try again."

You can tell that your mom is seriously concerned, it's written all over her face and laced in her voice. She wants you to love this baby like you did on the day she was born. She wants you to enjoy this moment, but you can't. You can't enjoy it because you don't feel connected to Ariella. She clearly doesn't recognise you as her mother.

"Just take her, please" you whisper, now looking directly at your mother.

"No. Feed her Y/N."

"Mom I-"

"You can do this, I promise you-"

"Just take her!" you cry out, frightening Ariella as she emits a piercing scream, causing your mom to rush over and remove her from your arms. As soon as you feel your arms emptied, you collapse onto the floor. "I can't do this anymore, I can't take this."

"Wilmer!" your mom cries out while attempting to settle her granddaughter. Everything seems to be a blur to you as you continue to cry on the ground, clutching your hair tightly. "Take Ariella, I'll handle this" you hear your mom say, and within seconds the loud cries of your daughter fade, leaving you with just your own.

"I can't do this anymore" you repeat, feeling a surge of numbness take over your body. You stop shaking, and instead stare in front of you. You're aware of a body sitting beside you, taking your hands in theirs, but you don't react.

"Y/N, baby girl I think you should speak to someone" your mom suggests, and all you can do is chuckle dryly.

"Why? It won't change anything. She hates me."

"Who hates you Y/N?" your mom asks, her hand on your chin, turning you to face her.

"Ariella. She doesn't want me to be her mom. She should be yours. I'm no good."

Tears spill from your mother's eyes as she looks at you in complete desperation, clearly wanting nothing more than to have her daughter back. Instead, she's stuck with this shell of yourself. You're stuck.

"Oh baby girl, she loves you. She is crying out for her momma Y/N.."

"No, she isn't" you reply harshly, collapsing your head into your hands.

"Stop Y/N, stop listening to what your head is telling you" she says, but you can't stop. It won't ever stop. "I know what you're feeling baby, I felt it too after I had you but I promise you that with help it'll be okay."

"I don't understand what's happening to me" you whimper, feeling as if the lump in your throat could suffocate you any second. It would be doing you a favour.

"I know it's scary sweetheart, I know" your mom soothes, pulling you closer into her embrace. "I think you have post natal depression Y/N."

Your body stiffens at her words. You don't want to believe it, but some logical part of your brain knows that she's right. You haven't felt like yourself in a long time, and Ariella's birth only seemed to speed up the downward spiral.

"I feel so guilty" you choke out as your mother rocks you back and forth. "I feel like I'm going to hurt her if I touch her. I'm so scared to be alone with her mom."

Your mom sniffles, clearly finding it hard to hear your confessions. "It's okay, we will get you through this. It'll get better and you will feel so much happier Y/N. I promise."

"Okay" you whisper, and as you agree to get help you can feel your mother's body shaking with tears as she holds you as tight as she possibly can.

"I love you so much, don't ever think you aren't important enough okay?" she says through tears, and all you can do is nod into her chest. "It's all going to be okay."

You try your best to believe your mom's words. You don't want to feel like this anymore and you want to be the best mother you can for Ariella. And that starts by getting help.