Little Miss Secret

Still A Mother

Alana sat on my couch with her knees rolled up to her chest. We each had a cup of coffee in our hands. Seth and I made a deal that Harper could go over to his house during the day sometimes as long as she didn't stay the night. We were going to wait until she was a little older so she could be more comfortable with her dad and Amanda. Since Harper was being watched I invited Alana over to have some girl time. It had been a hot minute since the last time I had had time to myself. 

"So, what's new?" she took a sip from the red mug.

"Wellll, do you remember Dallas from High School?"

"Dalllaaas...."

"Dallas Wesley." 

"Oh ya, of course! Who wouldn't remember that hot stuff?" She made heart eyes at the memory of him. 

"Well, he messaged me on Facebook. He said he'd like to meet up sometime."

"He asked you on a date!!" She squealed, "You haven't been on a date in so-"

"It's not a date." I interrupted her. I mean it was the truth. He hadn't asked me on a date. He had asked me if I ever wanted to catch up sometime. 

"Sounds like a date to me." She sipped her coffee again, "And that's the tea, sis."

"Shut up James Charles." I hit her shoulder. 

"Hey! Don't make me spill my coffee!"

I rolled my eyes. 

"You and your precious coffee." I giggled. My phone suddenely chimed. 

"Who is it?!" Alana said excitedly expecting it to be Dallas. Seth's face appeared across the screen. 

"It's.... Seth?" I answered the phone anxiously. 

"Hello? Is everything alright! Is Harper alright?" 

"Yes, Harper is alright. I just need you to come pick her up." He sniffled. Seth never cried. Something was wrong. 

"What's the matter?" 

He took a deep breath before responding, "We are pretty sure Amanda is having a miscarriage. Violet I-I."

"Oh my god, Seth. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry. I'm on my way."

I hung up the phone and tears stung at my eyes. No mother should ever have to go through this. I'd seen what it had done to my mother. It was a terrible thing to lose a child. 

"What is it?" Alana questioned. 

"Amanda, Seth's girlfriend, is having a miscarriage." I sniffled, "I have to go pick up Harper. I'm sorry that we couldn't hang out longer."

"Oh no! Please don't be sorry!." She stood up and gave me a long hug. "I love you so much, Violet. You're so strong, you know that?" 

"I'm only strong because I have no other choice." My voice cracked as I grabbed my keys. I rarely cried in front of people. Alana gave me one last hug before I exited my house and zoomed over to Seth's. I hardly had time to put my car into park whenever I pulled into the driveway. I ran up to the door and knocked. Seth greeted me with a tear stained face. I embraced him in a hug. 

"I'm so sorry, Seth." 

"My baby, My Cami. She's gone." 

"I know. I know." I just hugged him tightly. I didn't know what else to do. Harper ran up to Seth and I.

"Momma." She put her arms up to me and I picked her up. 

"Sad." She pointed at Seth's face. 

"It's okay baby." I kissed her cheek. "Where's Amanda?" 

"She locked herself in our bedroom. She won't let me in." 

I passed Harper over to Seth.

"Let me try to talk to her." 

"Uh. Okay, I guess you can try. Our room is the first door on the left." 

I walked down the hall and too the left. I knocked three times on the door.

"Amanda, It's me, Violet....can I come in?" I heard footsteps shuffle to the door. It unlocked and Amanda opened the door. She immediately collapsed into my arms. Her legs were weak beneath her. I held her up. 

"I-I....Why me?" She sobbed into my hair. "Why me? Why us? Why our little baby Camille?" 

I led her over to the couch and sat her down on it, afraid I wouldn't be able to hold her up for much longer. I grabbed a box of tissues and wiped away some of her mascara. I brushed her hair our of her face.

"I don't know why bad things happen to good people. And I don't know why this happened to you. And I don't know why Camille got taken away from you, but I do know this....there is a little girl over in the other room named Harper Rose and she loves you very much." I interlaced my hands with hers. "If you are going to be in Seth's life she needs you as a mother. You are still a mother. You are mother to Harper and to Cami. Just because your baby's story ended early does not mean that you are no longer a mother. You are and will always be a mother to Camille."

"Thank you, Violet. Thank you." Amanda whispered. I embraced her in a long hug. 

"Get some rest. I'll be by again tomorrow to check on you and bring Harper to visit." 

She shook her head yes and sniffled. 

"Can you send Seth in here?" 

"Of course." 

I walked back into their family room where Seth sat on the ground playing with Harper. 

"I talked to her. She's doing better now. She wants to talk to you." 

"Thank you Violet. For everything." He hugged me. 

"No problem. Call me if you need me, okay? I'm always here for you and Amanda." 

"I will, I promise." I took Harper from his arms and grabbed her bag. We went out to the car and I buckled Harper in her car seat. I got in the front seat and put the car in reverse, pulling out of their driveway. 

"Mama?" I could see her pouting in the backseat. 

"Yes baby?" 

"Where my baby sister?" 

My heart broke into a million pieces. Tears began to fall down my cheeks. I knew this would affect Amanda and Seth, but I never even thought how this could possibly affect Harper. 

"She's in the stars, now. She's safe." 

"Miss her." She sighed. 

"I miss her too, sweetie." 

As I drove home that night I realized how lucky I was to have Harper in my life. I didn't have a fairytale family. I raised my daughter on my own for two years, but at least I had my daughter. She was healthy and breathing and living and was going to grow up to become a wonderful lady, which is something Camille never got the chance to do. I made a promise to myself that I would never ever take Harper for granted. And even though parenting is hard I would be thankful for every tear, every 'I hate you', and every mood swing my daughter had. Because tomorrow she may not be here for me to kiss goodnight.