Selfishness in Silence

The In-Between

"Rey!"

Poe's voice startles her, causing her to drop the Harris wrench in her hand. A curse slips from her tongue as she clumsily hits her head while retrieving it.

"Hey! Everything okay? You die down there or something?"

"I'm fine!" she calls up to him as his head appears through the portal. "Just finishing up."

"What's taking so long? You need some help?"

"No, no. I'm almost done." she waves her hand dismissively.

"If you need-

"Poe? Rey done yet? Tell her to hurry up and get down to the mess hall!" Finn hollers from outside the Falcon.

Her eyes connect with Poe's and he shrugs. "I guess you should hurry. I can still help out, you know."

She looks back to the job at hand. "No need. Tell Finn I'll be there in a moment. You can start without me."

"Start without you?" Poe sputters, affronted. "This is your party. We're not starting without you."

Rey replies with a meager smile and, despite Poe's lack of confidence in it, he gets up and goes to Finn. She can feel their conversation more than hear it as they make their way to the others who also wait for her. To be honest, she's been avoiding them all day. Their current headquarters is another abandoned Rebel base, though this one lacks the armor Crait had. Money is a hard thing to come by, which is exactly why she was furious when she found out Finn and the others had planned a special day for her, not quite a birthday, but something to celebrate her.

She finds it odd, celebrating one's birth, though her lack of loving parents more than cemented that reality. Rose calls it her birthday, saying that it doesn't have to be the true date, but one she chooses. The prospect still makes Rey uncomfortable, though the idea of choosing a day for herself, relinquishing the ugliness of the world around them for a few precious hours, it does relieve the tension filling her heart.

If only for a short time.

.

.

She hasn't felt him in weeks. After their last encounter she shamelessly hoped he would come back, restless in the night to haunt her and whisper his plea. Come to me. Join me.

Please...

The word hangs over her like a feverish shadow, teasing her senses with possibilities, possibilities she's never considered... until now. Hot and unbridled potential that spreads a throbbing heat from her core to pulse endlessly through her veins. A Siren song, so ancient and buried in her bones that her mind can only follow after it blindly, her instincts beckoning her fingers to do things she dare not do. Had never thought of doing before.

Rey turns restlessly on her bunk. She prefers sleeping in the Falcon with Chewie, but tonight he wanders the streets gloomily. There are moments in time when loss takes over, choking you to the point of utter desperation, and you have to keep walking.

She turns again, beating her pillow angrily with her fists before falling back onto it.

What would Han say to this? What could he say? And Luke? He left with peace and purpose, but what of the rest of them? What of her? She has looked up to the sky for years hoping to be something beyond herself. Now she is and the weight of such purpose is rending her heart in two.

"Ben..." she whispers aloud, the lump of tears aching in her throat.

Silence answers with cold indifference, the darkness surrounding her, feeding on her.