c o n f u s e d

p r o l o u g e 🌈

Xeina

I sat on my roof and lit up a blunt, listening to my favourite artist Billie Eilish.

God knows how her songs always got me feeling a type of way, a way I never expected anyone to understand. Not only that but I was also high so thinking about everything and anything.

How is it possible that I was 16 and never been in a relationship. It wasn't like the boys at my school didn't like me but rather that I couldn't connect with them like I was supposed to.

"I probably haven't found the right one", I thought.

"XEINA", my little sister, Aida, yelled.

I quickly put out my blunt and threw away before climbing back through the window into my room. I sat on my bed and tried to act as if Iwas there the whole time.

That exact time Aida walked into my room obviously wanting to start trouble.

"Momma said to come down and eat dinner and why are tour eyes so red", she said.

"Tell her I ain't hungry"

"Well if you don't eat now you can't eat later", she said with an attitude and her hands on her waist.

"Ugh fine I'm coming.....bye", I replied waiting for her to leave.

I sighed and quickly tried to sober up before walking down the stairs and making myself a plate of food.

Sitting down at the dinner table I noticed my mom staring at me.

"D-did I do something", I asked.

"Your teacher called about how you did on your science test and apparently you got a B minus", she explained.

"And.......I've already explained to you that science is my hardest subject", I replied.

"So you think I'm going to lower my expectations from you just because you find a subject hard", she said harshly.

"Yeah bu-", I said before getting interrupted.

"No 'buts' Xeina you think being a lawyer I didn't find a subject hard, of course I did but I still got straight A's"

"You know what I ain't hungry no more, goodnight y'all", I said getting up before getting getting grabbed tightly around my wrist by my mom.

"I don't wan't to hear you got a B again, you hear me", she said tightening her hold.

My dad looked at me before looking back at his plate of food unbothered by the fact his wife was once again abusing me.

I winced before pulling myself away and staring at her with tears in my eyes.

"You promised mom, you promised you would stop", I said now with a full face of tears.

"I do it for your own good Xeina", she said smugly before letting me go to carry on eating.

I stared at her in disbelief before walking back to my room mixed with emotions.I was raged with anger but also heartbroken at the fact my own parents treated me like this.

The saddest part there was nothing I could do but accept the fact that my parents were trying to help me....I guess.

I played 'idontwannabeyou' before crying myself to sleep.

Billie

"I hope you haven't forgotten about that school surprise event we have tomorrow", Finneas said.

"Surprise events are my favourites, how am I supposed to forget", I replied.

"Okay well I'm going to bed, goodnight"

"Bye", I replied before throwing myself onto my bed.

I was really excited for tomorrow's surprise event but wasn't really feeling like myself.

I know I was known for being quite sad and dark but I felt as if no one actually paid attention to my lyrics how much I personally relate to them.

I really really hate myself and even though people call me 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous' I can't take it in unless I myself feel that way. I honestly don't want be me anymore and the only person that makes me feel that way is me.

There was nothing I could do about it but live with it.

So y'all this is my first ever book and i would appreciate support and things like that. If you don't already know this is gonna be an EXTREMELY GAY book, so if you are homophobic or some shut like that then bitch please exit. 🌈