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8:23 AM. JULY 30th, 2018
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WAKING up to someone who cares about you and thinks of you as their entire universe is a nice - no, a great - feeling when your whole life, you've felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I never realized how much I loved laying next to a warm body, his especially, until this moment. I think I've been awake for an hour, but I'm still willingly stuck in his huge arms. Maybe it's the baby cooking inside of me, or maybe I'm just being reborn or some shit like that, but I actually feel really good about life. If the few people who knew me heard me say that, they would take me to a mental institution.
Luke yawned loudly, signaling that he had woken up. "What's cookin' good lookin'?" he asked. That would usually make me roll my eyes to the back of my head, but I didn't feel like being a bitch today, so I just said "our kid," which made him laugh. I didn't think saying that would ever not be weird, even when this little person would pop out of me in nine months. I hadn't even gone to a doctor or whoever to figure this out. Doctors weren't my favorite people in the world - if anything they were some of my least favorite people - but this time, I actually needed one. It really didn't matter if I wanted one because Luke would just drag me over there by force.
"So, you just wanna stay here all day or..."
"No, I'm gonna go start some work. But you can stay here if you want." Sitting up, I pushed the crappy covers off of me before walking out of the bedroom. As the leftover smell of coffee from yesterday entered my nose, my stomach churned and I felt vomit come up my throat. I swear, if this happens the entire time I'm pregnant, I'm going to push Luke out of a window.
So here I am again, my face hovering above a nasty toilet seat while my boyfriend holds my hair back, except without the awkward silence afterward. That's nice... I guess. Washing my hands, I look up, remembering the incident yesterday where I punched a mirror to death. "Luke! We need a new mirror!" I yell from the bathroom, hoping that he doesn't have his earbuds in.
"Yeah, I know babe!" From that response, I'm going to assume I'll be looking at this broken mirror for a while, and so will our child when he or she is twenty. Walking out to the kitchen once again this eventful morning, I wanted nothing more than a gallon of water, but I decided to stick with a cup instead. As I drained the icy glass, I noticed Luke looking at me in a weird way.
"What is it now?" I asked.
"It's weird to see you down all that water when a few weeks ago, that glass would have been filled with whiskey." He chuckled at that last part, but what did he expect? I was going to come out here and crack open a cold one? I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't... be that person anymore. More than ever, I needed to get my act together. Not just for this kid, not for Luke but for myself, too. One day, this road that I was going down was going to end badly, and who wanted that? Definitely not me.
