A Compelling Life

17. A state of ecstasy

"How do I know when it starts to work?" I ask, feeling like an impatient 5-year old on her first school day, jittery and full of anticipation.

Adriana decided to accompany me instead of seeing Guns 'n Roses play, and I'm eternally grateful for that. We have traded my previous hiding place for a quiet spot on the beach. The balmy ocean air mingles with the sweet smell of oleander, and the faint sound of a song called 'Nightrain' lingers under the stars on what could have been a perfect summer evening.

My new-found friend sways her hips from side to side, her arms above her head and her eyes wide open in an intense gaze, looking completely happy and chilled out. "Believe me, you'll know when it hits you. I'm starting to feel it right now, actually. It's like a fucking orgasm. Maybe even better, cause this one lasts for hours."

God, I'd give anything to feel like that. "Sounds great." I let out a sigh of disappointment. "Maybe it doesn't work on me or something."

"It will! Stop overanalyzing everything!" she laughs as she grabs my hand, urging me to stand up. "Come dance with me!"

The sudden movement causes a head rush, and I grab Adriana's shoulder in a dizzy spell.

Whoa.

A slight tingling sensation starts at my toes and goes up to my fingertips. My mouth is dry, my legs feel numb.

Without any warning, the effects hit me like a freight train.

My heartbeat increases. Rapid eye movements are forcing me to look at the world in crystal clear stop-motion. Strange flashes of excitement emit from the pit of my stomach, before washing over me in alternate waves of pure bliss and total panic. If I had to compare it with anything I've ever experienced before, it would be with that moment when you're at the highest peak of a roller coaster, knowing you're about to descend with the speed of light. But what if I'm not ready for the ride?

A surge of emotions wells up inside of me, and I'm frightened by how overwhelming it feels. Hanging by a thread on a non-existing ledge, I desperately try to hold back these all-consuming, conflicting feelings. Everything's twisted and distorted, but at the same time, I'm hyperaware of everything. This is nothing like the gradual intoxication alcohol or weed causes. This level of intensity is just too damn high.

With panic taking the upper hand, I turn to Adriana. "How do I make it stop?"

I try sticking my finger down my throat, coercing myself to throw up, to get rid of it, but nothing comes out. It's too late, anyway. The chemicals must have reached my blood stream by now, from where they have made their way to my brain.

Adriana throws me a look of genuine compassion, even when I've probably just burst her bubble of bliss. "Oh, honey, don't fight that feeling. That's what's making you anxious. Give in to it."

I don't know her all too well, and, obviously, I never took Steven's girlfriend for a very wise woman. Boy, was I wrong. She knows everything. She possesses the spirit of wisdom and spreads the gospel of love, and when she sits down with me to cradle me in her arms, the feeling of her warm skin against mine is the best fucking feeling in the world. It's almost soothing.

I'm still not sure about the whole giving in-thing, though. "Yeah, but...what will happen if I do that?"

"Try and you'll find out," she smiles as she buries her face in the curve of my neck. "I'll be right here. No need to be scared."

Letting go is easier said than done, and the fact that my teeth are chattering and my body is shaking with muscle spasms doesn't quite do the trick of curing my anxiety either. I'm drenched in sweat, heat radiating outwards like I'm having a raging fever.