LOOK AT ME (Muslim Story)

He looked at me (44)

The next day, I caught Ahmed sitting at our usual tree spot outside in the yard and I was hurrying up with my bag so I can join him there.

Yesterday, after the trial I've been dying to talk to him. He's been busy filling out papers and stuff to even talk to me. I couldn't wait to congratulate him for how he basically almost got us to win our case.

I slumped down on the seat next to him, "You fucking genius!"

Ahmed was looking down at his feet. His expression was blank, like there wasn't any reason to be happy right now. Is he kidding? We're totally going to win this case. And me, I'm going to feel free. I'll feel better because I won't have to see Brandon for a long ass time.

"You should've seen yourself in court yesterday." I beamed, taking out a sandwich that Maryam made me this morning, "Man, you were awesome. You were totally prepared like you knew you were going to have to testify. I have to congratulate you, I really do. That was some crazy, awesome voodoo work you put out there—" I was cut off by looking at his face while I was ranting about his success. I bit my lip, because when Ahmed looks down, it's never a good thing.

"What now?" I put down my sandwich, "Why are you giving me that face?"

He frowned even more, "What face?"

"That one." I pointed to his face, "That face."

"What face?" He repeated once again, agitating me.

I decided to grab his chin with my palm, "This face. This one right here. I don't like this face, I never do. Because every time you make this face, nothing good ever comes out of it."

Ahmed smiled at me, but it was a reassuring one. For some reason I can tell he was hiding something, "I'm sorry. I won't make that face."

"No." I folded my arms, "I want to know why you even made that face to begin with."

"Can we stop talking about faces?" Ahmed closed his eyes shut tightly, "I just don't think we should be entertaining the case as if we've already won it."

"But we have." I smiled, "All because of you. We basically won this."

"No. I just think we shouldn't have our hopes up you know?" He let his hand fall to the ground, gripping the grass, "I don't think we should keep our expectations high. Because what happens if we loose?"

I don't like this energy. I hate this negative energy he's bringing here. I don't know shit about Court dates or anything weird like that but one thing I know for sure is that this energy is not tolerated right now, and not with me.

I slapped his thigh, "You got to stop that shit. Don't bring this negative energy here. I got enough in my life."

"No it's just—"

"Change the damn topic." I shrugged him off, "Let's talk about... let's talk about.. oh!" I snapped my fingers, "Let's talk about how that kid who testified yesterday, what was his name again? Red? Bred?—"

"Fred." Ahmed corrected.

"Ah, Fred. Yeah him, let's talk about how he said that we were dating." I shoved him playfully, "You know, like boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Ahmed coughed.

"He told the whole court we were a thing. Like, I bet the judge and the jury think we're dating."

He shifted a bit, looking away. He cleared his throat a few times as if he's trying to get a point through.

He didn't smile one bit.

"Don't you think it's amusing how—" I bit into my sandwich, "How people think we're like a thing now? Since we like, hang out everyday?"

Finally, I got a response. I got a response in actions.

He rolled his eyes, "Yeah but we aren't anything."

I shrugged, "They don't know that."

"Well it's about time they do." He dusted his pants, "We aren't dating Emerald. We're friends. That's all."

"Best friends." I smiled, "The closest friend I've ever had in a while."

"No." He shook his head, "Were just friends okay? Only friends. You help me when I need you. I help you when you need me."

Hold up. What the fuck is his problem? Is he mad at me? Like what the fuck did I do now? You know what, maybe he's just a little triggered or something. Maybe there's something going on with him. Well, whatever it is, he'll probably be fine later on.

I chuckled a little bit. Is he stupid?

"Are you okay?" I gently caressed his arm, "Is something going on at home?"

He pushed my hand off, "Nothing is going on. I just don't think you understand yet."

I laughed now. Ahmed is saying a lot of things I don't want to hear, "Remember when I said no more negative energy? Yeah well, get rid of this one, I don't like it."

I don't know what it was about him that was starting to scare me. Just everything right now. His expression, his face. His tone was deep and loud too and I don't know what it is but it's really scaring me.

Maybe what's scaring me is the thought of loosing him.

"I'm sorry." I felt myself say, "I don't know what I did. I don't know why you're mad at me right now. But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did."

He shook his head, "You didn't do anything."

"Then why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not it's just—" he took a minute to breathe, "It's just that I don't think... think that me and you would ever happen."

You know ever since Ahmed got here I've had this weird fantasy where we would end up together and be married with like five kids in an apartment above a coffee shop of like a restaurant. I mean even though I know it would never happen, there's still a part of me that believes it. But I feel like that part of me is being torn to pieces right now.

I shook my head, refusing to believe it, "No. I don't know what you're talking about."

"We won't ever date. Or end up together." He shook his head multiple times. When I looked at his eyes, they were watering, "I like you. I really do—"

"Then why are you saying this?" I whispered. I can barely hear my voice. My mood is officially broken.

"Because I only like you as a friend." He mentioned lowly, my heart beat racing. Something about his tone made him sound like he's lying. I can tell he was avoiding my eyes, "I don't want to hurt you. It's just...I feel like you got the wrong idea."

"No." I stood up, dusting my sweatpants, "No I think you got the wrong idea."

Ahmed rose his eyebrows for the first time today.

"Yes, I like you Ahmed. Yes, I fucking adore you. Yes, you're beautiful, the whole world wants you and shit. But me? I'm just like every other bitch in this school." I said, pointing at myself, "Yeah, I want you. I want to fucking marry you, I want to have sex with you. I want your damn babies because you know what? I'm a hormonal teenager just like all these people in the school. But after getting to know you, that shit didn't matter as much anymore. I realized that I didn't want to loose you. At least not as a friend. Now, I want nothing to do with you."

Ahmed's eyes widened as if I pulled a string.

"Earlier, I was a happy little daisy running to you so I can congratulate you on helping me win my case." I felt a tear go down my cheek, "Well now I'm dumb little bitch who thought it was okay to trust someone for once."