JULY
I called my sister, Katie Lee.
"Oh, Katie Lee!" I wailed.
"I told you before you married him that you were asking for it."
"You were right."
"Of course, I was right. I'm always right."
"Ben wants to go camping."
"Camping?"
"Camping."
"You mean like luxury caravans, scenic overlooks, and romance in the middle of nowhere?"
"No. I mean a leaky tent in the snake-infested woods with no toilet or running water."
"Ewh!"
"Indeed. What am I gonna do?"
"Say no, of course."
"I can't. New Year's resolutions."
"You were insane to ever agree to that."
"That's it! Do you think I could plead insanity?"
"It would make more sense than spending the night in the woods."
"That's true."
"Where does he want to go camping?"
"Smokey Mountains."
"Are you joking? There are bears in those woods!"
"No there's not!"
"Yes, there are! When I went on that retreat, we took one of those horseback tours. We saw nine bears and they were really spread out—not just in one place."
"What?!"
"Oh, Lou! You're pretty old, but you're too young to become a bear snack!"
"I'd probably be a full meal."
"Your chest alone could feed several."
"Katie Lee!"
"Some advice from me to you, Lou: I saw the way you were gyrating topless. I don't think you're cut out for that kind of dancing."
"I wasn't dancing, I was..."
"I know, I know—something about a mouse. Listen Lou: I'm all for you and Ben putting a little spark back into your lives..."
"Katie Lee, I'll thank you to ..."
"...but there are times and places and five minutes before guests are due to arrive is not the time..."
"...refrain from speculating and I resent the implication..."
"...and in your kitchen in front of God and everybody is not the place..."
"...that I was lying about the mouse..."
"...besides, if you injure yourself during fooling around then you're DEFINITELY doing something wrong!"
I hung up on her. Ben strolled into the kitchen.
"What's wrong?"
"Katie Lee thinks I was doing some kind of topless dance for you and that's how we both got injured."
"If you injure yourself while fooling around, then you're DEFINITELY doing it wrong."
"That's what SHE said."
"Don't tell me Katie Lee and I agree on something!"
The phone rang. I answered it.
"Don't forget to take toilet paper and lots of those wet wipe things."
YOU ARE READING
Book of Resolutions
HumorNew Year's Resolutions: a time for new goals, new adventures, and new possibilities. What could be wrong with that? Plenty, when its Lou and Ben Craig! Last year, Lou and Ben's resolution was to do one new thing as a couple, once a month. Sound...
