My Story

Chapter 2: Self Harm & Alcohol Addiction

The moment I picked up a razor blade and cut my own skin was when I was 13 years old. I chose to do this because my mind was scattered. It was in an extremely negative and dark place. My self harm addiction was always on and off. I would do it for months and then stop for months but I would always relapse. When I first started, I never covered up. No long sleeves, no long pants. I didn't care and neither did anyone else. No one perceived me to be the girl who harms herself until I started wearing sweater and pants in the summer. As time went on my cuts progressed to become deeper and deeper and I was the type of self harmer who liked scars but hated them at the same time. Whenever my scars started to fade I would feel the need to cut again. Whenever my wrists or thighs were bare, I felt the urge to cut. I always got a sense of satisfaction when looking at my cuts or scars. Over the years, it started to hurt less and less. Dragging the blade across my skin didn't even compare to the pain I was feeling mentally. My mind was so scattered and cutting myself gave me a sense of relief. With that being said, in the summer of 2018 I developed an alcohol addiction. My addiction started in May, when I picked up the bottle because I had suffered massive heartbreak. I realized, that I liked the feeling of never having to give a shit. Being carefree and mindless so, I continued. The entire month of May I drank. Every single day. I would go to school everyday either hungover or slightly drunk. Nobody noticed. Not one friend, not one teacher. So I continued because I felt as if my life had no purpose. So I drank and I drank and I drank. Drinking led me into worse habits over the summer. I partied, almost everyday. And I did this, as you can imagine, because it was the way I coped with my struggling mental illnesses. I knew that I had a serious problem but I didn't care about my life enough to change anything. Sex, drugs, and alcohol turned to be what I lived for. August 13th, 2018 was the day my life flashed before my eyes. I passed out one night with my best friend and got alcohol poisoning. I had to get my stomach pumped. And it was the scariest moment of my life.