My Story

Chapter 5: Heartbreak

My entire childhood I never understood the word heartbreak. Yes, I knew it was the emotional breaking of a heart but I never knew the damage and pain you will experience. The worst months of my life happened when I was heartbroken. You will go to great extents to numb your pain when you're experiencing heart break.

I loved a boy so much I began to love myself. He brought out the good in me and I started to become happy. But, I based my happiness around him. It was almost as if I was living for him. I did everything, for him. I survived, for him. And although he made me overwhelmingly happy I never even thought about how fast that happiness could've been stripped from my hands. It was like one moment I was holding my happiness in the palm of my hands and the next it was crushed, smashed, and stomped on. I remember the moment I felt my heart break because of this boy and it wasn't just once. The first time was May 5, 2018. We were a year an a half strong. And I woke up that morning in a bit of a mood because he had not spoken to me all night, which was odd for him. I remember thinking to myself: "is he okay?" And having this awful gut wrenching feeling he wasn't. So I texted him and asked if he was okay. He responded and said yes and that was it. And then my gut feeling turned into something different. It was almost as if my body could sense my heart was about to broken. And then the next moment I remember walking around the store Winners with my mom and brother as I slagged behind, texting him insecurely. He told me he didn't want me anymore and that I was never going to be good enough for him. And this point, as I read those words across my screen, I felt every single part of my body shake. I felt my entire heart drop into the pit of my empty stomach. I wanted so desperately to cry but I had to hold everything in. I had that awful lump sitting at the back of my throat as I walked around Winners, pretending I was okay. From there, things only got worse. He pretended like I was never apart of his life, removed me completely.

But, eventually he came back. And I believed him because I loved him. I knew it wasn't a good idea but I listened to my heart. This time around we were very discreet. He never took me out, never talked to me at school. We only ever hung out at his house, never at mine. Eventually, I grew to become unhappy. I no longer felt happy with him. I stayed because I still loved him. But he left again. And this time, I felt numb.

Having your heart broke is one of the most painful experiences you could ever feel. Every night I laid awake, crying hopelessly because everything just hurt so bad. There were days where I would fall to the floor trembling because I heard his name. I was terrified to fall asleep at night because I woke up every single night from nightmares. I wouldn't eat, I lost 25 pounds. Motivation wasn't there anymore. My relationships with my family and friends turned to shit. I turned to drinking and drugs and sex. I lost my will to live. I lost myself. I lost my happiness. I fell into a deep hole of depression and nobody helped me get out. It was only I who crawled my way out and returned to surface.