Everything Will Be Just Fine (Completed)

12. You Said You'd Grow Old With Me

"NO !" I wake up, screaming with all my lungs. Panting, I wipe the sweat covering my forehead and let out a deep breath of air. It's been months since I last had this nightmare. And it came back. Again.

I throw back my blankets and go open my window to feel the fresh air of the night. I don't know for you, but I personally think it's my favorite smell : loneliness, peace, freedom. It soothes me and I'm now able to control my intake of air.

This nightmare, this reminiscent dream always comes back when I feel vulnerable. It decides to attack me when I'm already down. I hate it. I hate remembering the accident during which Dad, Mom and Cory died.

I go to my dresser and pull out a large wooden box with a name written on it : Cory.

I sit on the floor and stare at the box, wondering if it's safe to open it again. Will it hurt me just to hear his voice again ? Will it calm me ? I don't know, I've had both answers in the past.

I open it quickly and stare at the first picture. A family one, when we arrived to our new house and sat on the boxes. I smile softly, remembering the horrible day. This box was Cory's diary, you could say. He had the key to open it around his neck and he never let anyone know where he hid the box. I got it when the police found it.

I pull out the stack of photos and go through all of them, one by one : there are photos of our families, but mostly photos of him. I scoff a bit, remembering how full he was of himself.

I take out an IPod. I stare at it and I think back at the time when Cory had told us it was kind of his testament, in case something happened to him. How ironic it is... I hesitate for a while, biting my bottom lip, before turning it on and putting on the earphones. I'm still debating wether or not to do it. My fingers find the play button by themselves.

"Helloooo to anyone who is listening to this ! Okay, it's really weird... talking to myself." he mutters in the speaker. I laugh sadly, I missed his deep voice so much.

"But... I just wanted to do this pep intro to cheer myself up and whoever is listening to this. It's my testament, let's say. Mom, don't worry, I won't travel around the world without telling you. Dad, I won't make any girls pregnant, I won't drink or smoke." he pauses. "William, stop chewing on my disks, please. You'll make a very special girl lucky one day, I promise." he says. I stop breathing, waiting for the rest. "Alexandra, my little sister, I love you. I know I don't say it often, but I do. I promise I'll always be here for you, just give me a call. And if a boy cheats on you or hurts you, I'll kill him." he says very seriously. "You're one of a badass, sis, and one of the toughest. You let nothing get in your way and you're never afraid. Whatever comes in your way, you find a way to overcome it. But really, if any of you four stole this from me, you're dead. Love you guys. Let's roll !" he finishes laughing and the track ends.

I search for his last song, and play it. He said before the accident he had a new song for me to listen to. Everytime I hear it, I cry : it describes what happened, what's happening so well that I can't keep my brave face on.

I'd like, to say

I'm okay, but I'm not

I try, but I fall

Close my mind, turn it off

I can't be sober, I cannot sleep

You've got your peace now, what about me?

Thought we had the time, had our lives

Now you'll never get older, older

Didn't say goodbye, now I'm frozen in time

Getting colder, colder

One last word, one last moment

To ask you why, you left me here behind

You said you'd grow old with me

We had plans, we had visions

Now I can't see ahead

We were one, we were golden

Forever you said

I can't be sober, I cannot sleep

You've got your peace now, what about me?

Thought we had the time, had our lives

Now you'll never get older, older

Didn't say goodbye, now I'm frozen in time

Getting colder, colder

One last word, one last moment

To ask you why, you left me here behind

You said you'd grow old with me

I absolutely love this song... I can't possibly imagine what Alexandra is going through, but I know what it's like to lose someone. 

So, some clear up : no one knows what happened except her, William and Billy.

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