A Suitable Companion

Chapter 24: A new life

I could kill him. I seriously feel that I could in this moment.

I regret my decision not to abstain from a big Christmas baking this year. I'm generally tired and irritable these days which was not a good start. Lilly and Nathan wanted to help. Too much unfortunately, and now the entire kitchen is a mess covered in flour, sugar, eggs and dough, meanwhile a dirty version of them lost the patience and giggling disappeared to some other part of the house and I'm left here alone. Just as good that they made an exit before I lost my temper and took it out on them. The kitchen is freaking hot because the oven has been on for so long and I'm also more sensitive to it, flushing. I'm also a bit absent minded lately and just now I forgot a tray of cookies in the oven, so they were all black and burned when I finally took them out, and smoke poured out setting the fire alarm off.

I have surrendered and just sit down on one of the stools, alarm ringing in my ears, looking at the mess and crying. With my gaze fixed on the chaotic kitchen island, I think of the time we made love there. Or rather had hot, steamy sex. That kind of hotness I did not mind. No chance of that happening now - and I cry even more at the thought.

Now Hutchins comes hasting, I had just sent her checking on Lily and Nathan when I opened the oven, and everything turned into chaos. In one glance she gets the situation and opens the window to ventilate the smoke away (why did I not think of that?), throws the burned cookies in the garbage and then comes over to hold me. After a while the alarm stops, and it is possible to think a straight thought again.

"Molly, Molly, Molly..." she says. "It would probably do you good to take it a bit slower. You know, you don't have to do all this, this year."

"But I want Christmas to be magic, like it always is in this house", I sob.

"It will be anyway dear, it doesn't come down to if you do everything like you use to, like bake hundreds of cookies and cakes. I think you know that. And you have other things to take care of, including yourself."

I sob and sigh. I know she is right, I do. It is just that I feel so frustrated. There are so many things I want to do, at least as many as before, but I'm limited by my decreasing energy and agility. I hate that and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, except count down.

I look down at my belly. My gigantic belly! With Lily and Nathan, it was only this big at the very end, when I was heavily pregnant. Now I'm only six months gone, three remaining. Three fucking months! I could kill him for making me end up like this.

It is not strange that I'm big, because this time there are two babies in there. Twins. I remember the day we went for the first ultrasound, Charles and me. I had still not quite grasped we were pregnant for a third time. He had wanted it for so long, had not let go of the dream to have big family. I was more hesitant. Things were really running well with my café right now and I was looking into expanding, and I was not sure I was up for trusting someone else with the responsibility of my business while taking care of a new baby. I was not sure if I was ready to let my body transform into Barbapapa again (huge and shapeless I mean, would have loved his ability to transform into anything I wanted) and I thought that two kids, a family of total four was perfect. Also, I was a bit afraid of what another baby might do to us, him and me. But he was pleading, and one afternoon when I held Katie's second new-born daughter, I threw in the towel. Seriously, it should be forbidden to present such lovely little creatures to someone who tries resisting getting another one, they look innocent but are a true honey trap.

When I told him yes that evening, he was overjoyed. I soon had my IUS removed and we started trying, but I had expected, maybe hoped, it would take some time. However, my period did not come next time - I was already pregnant. Yet, I think I was in denial until we went for that ultrasound. Charles was sitting by the bedside, expectantly holding my hand as the nurse squeezed some cold gel on my still flat stomach and began moving the probe over it. I always find it hard to interpret those ultrasound images until they point things out to you, for all I know it could just be my intestines showing. The nurse happily said;