Love Is This, This Is Love

Chapter 25

We all started leaving the living room and started getting the place ready for a movie night. I can't believe Phillip changed the mood in this house so quickly, and he's only been here for like 5 minutes.

Chad, Rocky, and Randy also went with Derek and Mary to see which movie to watch. The rest of us, we were on food duty, I guess. I was feeling weird about this. He comes out of nowhere, he doesn't call. I missed him. I thought he hated me. I ran to the bathroom. Once I freshened up, I walked out and bumped into Phillip.

"Sorry." We both said in unison.

"It's fine." We both said again at the same time.

There was silence for a few minutes.

"Um, Uh, are you okay with me being here? I just heard from a voicemail from Danny and Randy saying that your mom died. I just kind of dropped everything and drove over here. I didn't think. I just thought that you were sad, and depressed. And I was in your place. And you-"

"I'm okay with it. I really missed you. I thought I lost a friend. Or I would have called you myself. And that time with you and your friend's loss, that, anyone could have done what I did. I'm not that special."

"But you are... uh, you want to go and help with the chips?" He asked and I nodded.

I went to the closet to find the different flavors of chips and handed it to Phillip. "You know, Randy told me, about what he's really doing in Berkeley. He told me that you're the only other person that knows." I stopped and looked surprised.

"I'm kind of glad that I'm not the only one that knows his secret. I just hope he tells the rest of them, soon."

We both nod awkwardly. Then Phillip asks me how I'm holding up.

It took me a few minutes before I could give him a real answer. Everyone asked me that same question, and without hesitation I said I was fine, that I'm getting through it. But that's not even close to how I'm feeling, or how I'm doing. When Wade came over yesterday, all I did was cry to him. He was my pillow, and my punching bag when I needed him; he didn't ask me how I was doing, and I was glad he didn't, because I didn't want to lie to him. So we just sat in my room crying yesterday.

"Um, I'm, uh, I don't want to lie to you like I have been with the rest of them. I feel lost. I feel empty inside and, and I don't know what to do. I don't like feeling empty. This feeling; I want it gone. This feeling scares the shit out of me. But it's not going away so I have to deal with it. I lost the one person in my life that started everything. It's cause of her that I am walking, talking, breathing. It's because of her that I am healthy, clothed, fed. It was because of her that I have such amazing friends; that I met a guy like you and Wade. It is because of her that I did not have to spend my childhood life alone; I have Daisy, Derek, Chad, and Rocky because of her. Everywhere I turn or look, I see her. How can I live after knowing that, that person who did all of that is gone?"

Once I finished, I realized where I was, who I was talking to, and that I was crying. I wiped the tears off my face and grinned softly, "I, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blurt all that out..."

"No, I'm glad you did. I can see that you haven't told anyone this, that you haven't talked to anyone about how you were feeling. And I get why, because it was too recent. But you're here now, talking, you're ready to talk to someone about how you feel. I'm glad that it was me." He said grinning back at me.

"And to answer your question, you are going to get through this. You have the amazing friends that you met right by your side. You have Wade and hopefully me. You have five other people in your life that are going through the same exact thing you are. Yes, you are going to see her everywhere you turn or look, but that is part of life. You are going to have some bad days where all you want to do is cry and sleep it off and just want to be alone, but you are going to have some good days where you can talk about things and have normal and fun day. You won't forget about your mom once you start being happy again, you will always remember your mom, and your mom will always be there for you and she is always watching you. You are just now living your life, which is what she would want you guys all to keep doing."

I was looking at my feet while he was talking not trying to start crying again, when he pulled my chin up to look at him.

"It's just going to take some time and we are all here for you guys." Phillip said smiling. I grinned and pulled him into a hug.

I didn't realize until then, that I needed to talk about it. My time crying was over, and my time to talk about it is next, part of the grieving cycle. And it felt good. I had some hope that I was going to be okay. I had some good thoughts that I will get through this. And I'm glad that it was Phillip who told me everything. He has had a lot of loss in his life, and I'm not saying that he is a grieving god; I'm just saying that he knows what my family and I are going through, maybe more.

We later pulled away from the hug and to change the subject I asked him how he was doing, with college and his mom. He said that Mandy took their mom into a rehab center. Mandy would go visit her when she can, but not letting Mabel go see her. When Phillip was free, he would come and see how she was doing. "She has a long way to go, but it's worth it. The two of us couldn't take care of her, and it wasn't good for Mabel. And since I had to go back to college, it would be much tougher for Mandy to take care of her by herself."

As for college, "College is different. You're all on your own. But it's also fun. I forgot how having fun felt like. I met a lot of new people, some pretty cool friends were made, I still talk to Mary, we see each other almost all around campus. It's really interesting place; college."

I nodded, agreeing with him. "I started taking art classes this semester." He stated. I was surprised. "That's great! All I remember about you and art was that you did it for a while but stopped."

He was hesitate, "Yeah, My dad used to draw and he loved it. But he had a job so he was really busy. But when he wasn't, he would always teach me how to draw professionally and he told me everything about being an artist. Um, when he died, I stopped. I was feeling the same way you are feeling right now. I didn't know what to do, I felt empty. I had that connection with my dad mostly, since my mom was always horrible. My dad was the good guy, but he couldn't see the bad in my mom. Anyways, I stopped drawing and never went back to it until now. I grew my love for it again." He grinned.

I looked at him, astonished. "I am so proud of you, Phillip. You have changed and I mean that in a good way. You're okay with everything and you're doing things that make you happy. I'm so proud of you."

He smiled again, "I'm not fully okay with everything yet. But once I heard about what happened, I just knew I needed to come. I learned that you should do whatever it takes to keep the people you care most in your life. So I'm here, as a friend for you and your siblings. Thank you for being something in my life. It would have been so different without you in it." He grinned. He came and pulled me into a hug again when Andrew came in to ask about the food. We totally lost track of what was happening, catching up and everything that we just brought out the bags of chips and didn't pour them into bowls. So Andrew helped the both of us do it quickly.

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Awww! Isn't it wonderful that Phillip and Stef are friends again!!

Okay okay, some of you may still be all Team Phillip, and you guys all hate me, but comeee on: Team Wade right?

And I know this chapter was all dialogue mostly, but Stef needed to talk to someone, and she so happened to just let everything out to the one and the only, Phillip.

Just hang in there, a little more twist and turns left on this roller coaster! It may seem like it's coming to an end, but just wait and see my amazing friends!

Don't forget to vote and leave a comment of who's team you're in & why!

Bye Lovelies! <3