Dear Diary • Yoongi [Single Father Extra]

Entry #7

I'm always lashing out at other people. They don't understand why, and sometimes I don't either. I don't want to be this way inside, constantly struggling to seek out conflict, to destroy the easy happiness of the moment. I don't know where it came from, this need to spread the sharpness in my heart through my tongue, infecting others. But it had to have come from somewhere, right?

Because if not, it means that it's just an innate part of me, and I don't want to accept that.

But I've always been this way, haven't I? I walk into a room and immediately assume that everyone is my enemy. I feel them looking at me with hostility in their eyes even though I've never said a word to them. They look at me, and maybe they know about the things I think and don't say. Maybe they can just tell.

They say we make incorrect presumptions on account of fear. They'd argue that I fear the rejection of others, so I reject them first. And I think I'd agree. I fear rejection because it's an inevitable by-product of the hurt I produce. I say some things I don't mean and some things that I do, and whether they're true or not doesn't matter because truth doesn't prevent pain and unhappiness. And I can apologize after, when the turbulent sea of conflict in my heart has been momentarily appeased, but apologies are meaningless when something has been fully shattered. You can pick up the pieces and hold them out to someone, but even if they accept, they're more likely to cut their hands on the shards then glue them all back together.

Not everything can be fixed. In fact, I'd say most things can't. Most relationships, in my opinion, aren't worth the bother of fixing. Because even if I hurt them, however much pain I cause, that's the real me. For me to pretend to be someone else just to stop them from absorbing the tremors of my personality...

I would rather be alone and real than together and fake. Not everyone is like that. But for me...

At least when I'm alone, I can't hurt anyone else.

[Yoongi's Diary, Entry #7]