Nowadays, I try to have no emotion because to me, its getting weak. But when I try to show emotion, I get hurt and its like,"wtf!?" And I just dont care anymore if it's going to be that way.
I love experiencing new things like feelings. I want to feel.
I want to know how it feels to be loved.
I want to know how to make mistakes and take care of it like an adult and not mess up the next time.
I want to travel and be amazed about things I haven't discovered.
I want to know how to explain that I do not need help anymore and that I'm okay.
I want to feel free.
I want to have freedom in EVERYTHING and not worry about anything or someone or something. I want to do things my way and think clearly about my decisions and decide right away.
Having strict parents lowkey make you just want to shut everyone out and make them stay away, so they won't judge, or complain about your personal problems.
Yeah, I get it. I can't experience this stuff, but no one is perfect. Even i try to convince myself this and yet i try to be perfect.
It messes with my head.. a lot. Now I try to have everything perfect
But it doesn't work out.
I want to feel happy, too. But I also know I'm preventing myself to ACTUALLY feel that feeling cause I'm scared.
I'm scared of losing my happiness too quick.
I'm scared of not looking at people and to make sure that they are happy as well.
I'm scared that I might become selfish and only have happiness to myself.
I'm just scared of everything because of
Pain.
Pain makes everything worse. It also messes with your head, and it spreads until you feel like you can not take it anymore.
Sometimes, I feel like I might go insane. I imagine myself hurting the people I love and I just wouldn't care. I imagine myself hurting myself because I might even cause the pain.
I've never written this long before but all this⬆️ that you see above, is what I feel EVERY, single, day and I think a lot about these possibilities and the outcomes.
At nights when I close my eyes, i wish for a better life with no worries, no actual thinking, no anything. And I dream with a little smile on my face.
On the real, THERE WILL ALWAYS be the worrying, thinking and no better life cause I learned that no one is perfect in anyway to make it happen.
You know, I tried to keep my thoughts and opinions concise, but I can't when everything is
Unexplainable.
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A/N: that was the longest I have written about my thoughts, everyday !
I hope you guys are liking my book so far and you can like, comment, do w.e you want to do cause I'm pretty sure you can relate.
Other than that, it is 1:45 AM where I am. WHAT'S YOUR TIME WHERE YOU ARE?
Much love❤
~from btsiloulou.
