angel | dealor

seven

John stayed later than Freddie the next morning. Freddie had rushed off, saying something about needing to get home to do some homework, but I could tell that was a lie. For one, Freddie only took art. Two, he looked hungover as hell, there was no way he was going home. Three, he'd been leaving us alone as much as he could, he just wanted us to spend some time together.

At some point in the morning I'd decided it best to get my feelings out there, to avoid crushing John more if he got hopeful. Turns out I was too late.

"You can't just kiss me all night and then say you just want to be my biology tutor, Roger! That's not fair!" He said. It was assertive, but not loud. I don't think John possessed the ability to raise his voice.

He had a point, but so did I.

"Listen, John. I do want to be with you. God, you're fucking adorable. But I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with you. You don't want that.." I had responded, trying my best to keep my calm. He looked on the verge of tears.

"I do want that, Roger! Why wouldn't I?"

"You don't, John. You don't want me."

"I need a valid reason! As far as I know, I do want you. Look at you! You're so beautiful, and funny, and intelligent.. It's me, isn't it?"

Fuck. That's how it looked. Would letting him believe that hurt more or less than breaking his heart after dating him, rather than before?

"You don't know me, John. You know Roger Taylor, the wannabe Dentistry student. You've seen me around my friends. You've never seen me in a relationship. You've seen me at one party, where I stayed sober to look out for you. I'm no angel, John! I hurt people..." I paused, turning away from him with a sigh to compose myself before mumbling the rest of my monologue. "I hurt people, and you don't deserve that."

It took him a moment to think over what I'd said, before he got up and walked over to where I was stood. He sniffled, letting me know I'd made him cry. I'd already hurt him.

"It's a risk I'd be willing to take, Rog.." He mumbled, resting his forehead against my shoulder from where he was standing behind me. I could feel the wetness of his tears on my skin, and with each passing second I hated myself more.

I turned around and pulled him into my chest, holding him tight as if I never wanted to let go. I didn't - But I felt like I had to.

"It's not worth it, John. You're so amazing, you can find someone to treat you well... I don't date good people, people who won't hurt me back," I whispered into his hair, one hand coming up to stroke his hair.

"Don't fucking do this! Don't- Don't hold me! Don't be all sweet and tell me it's gonna be okay, you're making it worse!" He shouted, pushing me back and looking up at me with teary eyes. I'd never heard him swear before, nor yell. What was I doing? "You can't... You can't tell me you have feelings for me and then say you don't want to be with me when I clearly feel the same!"

He was right. He had every reason to be mad. If I'd just ignored any advances from the start and not kissed him, we wouldn't be in this mess. Maybe I'd still be pining over him, and maybe he'd want me. But he wouldn't have the torture of knowing I reciprocated the feelings but wanted nothing to do with him.

Maybe it could work. Maybe I could change.

I couldn't run the risk.

He'd hurt for a few days, and he'd get over me. He'd have to, because I couldn't cave again.

"I'm sorry, John. I shouldn't have kissed you. I knew I shouldn't have when I did it, because I didn't want to give any impression that I was offering more than a kiss. That's why I don't want to be with you. I like kissing people, whoever I can get my hands on. Of course, you're more than just a pair of lips, but I can't promise that that person wouldn't come along whilst we were together... I can't hurt you like that, John," I tried my hardest to reason, to make him understand that being with me was an awful thing for him. I didn't do relationships.

There was a pause, where he wiped his eyes and seemed to think for a second. Out of nowhere, he launched himself at me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. I held him close to me, never wanting to let go for fear of losing him. Eventually he pulled back, looking into my eyes.

"Can I... Can we... Just one last time?" He whispered, his face just inches from mine. I nodded, bringing my hand up to the side of his face as he pushed his lips back against mine. We lingered there for a while, neither of us particularly wanting to end.

John was the one to pull back, and he went straight to his bag and to my bedroom door, simply stating "I've never kissed anyone before. I'll see you Tuesday, I guess," before leaving the room and going to the bathroom. I stood by the door and listened, listened to the sound of him entering and leaving the bathroom, then the front door opening and closing. Fuck.

So much for not tainting him.

———

"So, now he fucking hates me. And I don't know what to do. And I'm still his tutor for biology. How awkward is that gonna be?" I whined, dropping my head to the table. Brian usually knew what to do in these sorts of situations. Freddie may have been a better help, but I was annoyed with him. Not that he actually did anything wrong, he was just the only person I could blame for what had happened. Other than myself, but I'm too conceited for that.

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you, Rog. Isn't that a slight over exaggeration?" He tried to comfort me, but it wasn't working.

The common room was practically empty. Most people had classes first period Monday morning, and if they didn't have a class they wouldn't bother coming in until their class started. Mine and Brian's physics lesson had been cancelled last minute, so we'd gone to the common room to "work". I was glad it was cancelled, it would give me a chance to get the homework done.

"No. I did the exact thing I was trying to avoid! And now I've lost him, and I didn't even get to have a relationship first!" It was selfish of me to think like that, but also true. If I was going to hurt him, I may as well at least have some fun first. Instead, I'd lost him with nothing more than a goodbye kiss. 

"Why didn't you just date him, if you're so hung up on him? If you care so much?" Brian asked. His voice was soft, and he gently patted my shoulder. He was trying his best and doing a good job, I was just spitting out my dummy and refusing to listen.

"Because I'll cheat on him, Bri. He doesn't deserve that..." I mumbled, sitting up slightly to rub both hands over my face.

"Would you, though? You're so upset about him getting hurt. I don't think you'd do that to him. I've never seen you so upset about anybody, Roger. Usually you're glad to see the back of them." Fuck off, Brian. Stop being rational. I'd made my mind up and I was right, no matter how much more sense he was making.

Brian spoke again after a few minutes: "Talk to him. Properly. No yelling. Even if you don't get together, you need to at least stay friends." I just shrugged. "Do it. You've still got to tutor him, at the end of the day. It'll just be awkward if you don't get it out in the open."

Why was Brian always right?