angel | dealor

seventeen

a/n
another double update because i wanted to ask you something! please read the a/n at the end of the chapter

Freddie and Brian were going through Fred's sketchbook, Brian in awe at all of the boy's drawings. He was an incredible artist. He truly had a gift.

I'd been moping around since visiting John, and it was now Tuesday, most of the way through fifth period. Part of me was excited to see him again, part of me terrified. I'd not seen him since Saturday, other than a short glimpse in the corridors. Freddie and Brian had taken over my job of walking him to and from his lessons, although the bullying had ground to a halt. I'd like to think that I had some sort of influence on that.

That's how we all ended up staying at school during a free period. I was waiting for John to finish so we could walk home together, Brian was waiting to ensure that John definitely came home with me, and he said something about wanting to talk to the boy, too. Brian was desperate for us to start talking again, and at least be on civil terms, all for the band's sake. It was a silly hobby, it probably wouldn't matter too much if it flopped. Finally, Freddie had stayed late during a free because he was catching the bus home. The buses only ran hourly, and he missed the first bus so had to wait until the end of the day to catch the bus then.

"Roger, are you okay?" Brian asked, causing me to roll my eyes. He full well knew the answer to that one.

"Just peachy." Came my reply, my head dropping and hitting the desk. I felt him gently stroking my hair from across the table, and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from sobbing.

"I'm sorry. I promise it'll get better..."

Whatever, Brian.

———

I was nervous, to say the least. I could see Brian's hair over the crowd of children swarming past me, and I knew John would be with him. What would happen? Would it be really awkward? Would he even talk to me? Shit.

"Here he is," Brian said, stopping where I was stood. "I hope I can trust you to walk home without killing each other. Talk to each other." He told us, sternly. We both nodded, but were still avoiding looking at each other. Brian just sighed, muttering 'I'm not dealing with this' before heading off on his walk home.

I nodded at John and shoved my hands in my pockets, starting to walk towards the gate.

"So.." I started, biting my lip.

"Don't," He told me, finally looking up at me, "Just pretend it never happened. Us. You're just going to teach me some biology, then I'm going to walk home. Alone. Got it?" I nodded, watching my feet as I walked. Guess I wasn't forgiven, nor even being given a chance to try and win him back.

"Okay, fine... But I'm really sorry. I'd kill to have a second chance," I mumbled, knowing I was going against what he said and knowing it could make things worse, but with the amount of shit I'd managed to get myself in, surely it couldn't make too much difference? It was true, anyway. He was my whole world for the short time we were dating. It was crazy how quickly I'd fallen for him, and how quickly it had all fallen apart.

"I want to give you a second chance, Roger. I want you back. But I can't trust you to not hurt me again. I don't think you deserve a second chance," His voice was calm as he spoke to me, but his hands were shaking a little by his sides. I so desperately wanted to hold them, to tell him everything would be fine, but it wouldn't help.

"What can I do to change your mind?" I asked, slowing my walk down a little. I knew he wouldn't yell at me so long as we were out in public, so if I could delay the walk home as long as possible, maybe we could talk.

"I don't know, Rog. I don't know if I could bring myself to trust you again. Now, stop dawdling. We need to get this over and done with."

———

The first part of the tutoring session didn't go too badly. We were discussing transport between cells, specifically to do with the respiratory system and gas exchange.

Then, after a long conversation about diffusion, we got off topic. I ended up explaining a lot of shit to him, a lot of stuff that would make me sound like an awful person, but I had a point to make by it.

"Yeah, it's true. I get with people just to shag them, and to have their body on tap. But that's always a mutual agreement, we both just want a fuck, and usually we both end up cheating... I know that's not a good thing, but I've never been fussed before.. I've never cared about breaking up with people... You're different, John... Losing you has broken me, and... And it took losing you to realise I need to clean up my act. No more of that. You were always different, John... Always. I've never had a real relationship. I've never told someone I loved them and truly meant it, not until you. Hell, I usually sleep with them before we're together, but even when we cuddled I was worried about where my hands were, because I never wanted to make you uncomfortable. I... I don't know where I'm trying to go with this. I know that if you take me back, I will be a better boyfriend. I won't make any more mistakes, I won't hurt you. I love you, John. Please?" There were tears in my eyes as my monologue came to an end and I bit my lip in an attempt to stop myself from crying properly. A long, awkward silence fell upon the room, and I had to look back down at the textbook that was open on the desk in front of us. I felt like I'd made a fool out of myself. Eventually, he spoke up.

"Brian spoke to me, told me some things... I... I'll think about it. I'm really worried about making the wrong decision, Rog.." He mumbled, looking down at his hands where they were resting in his lap.

"I promise I'll do everything in my power to make sure you won't be, John..."

Slowly, he looked up at me and met my eyes. A weak smile formed on his lips before he moved into my lap, wrapping his arms around me and burying his face in my neck.

"I hate myself for caving so easily, but I've missed you. Please don't hurt me."

Please don't hurt me.

a/n
hello! thank you all for reading this far, this book has 1.7k reads and im grateful for all of you, especially those of you who comment all the time (you know who you are!) because reading+responding to comments makes my day, especially because you're all hilarious

Anyway, the point of this was to ask for some help. I have finished writing angel now and have moved onto the sequel. Is there anything in particular that people want to see in there? i am accepting all suggestions and I'm going to try and incorporate whatever i can! So far I've just started writing chapter one (two, if you'll count the prologue) and want to make it the best I can for you, the reader. it's probably going to be much longer than this book due to it talking place a few years after this ends, so there's less restrictions (because of their age in this book). anything you suggest will be valued! be that a certain scenario, longer chapters, shorter chapters, more scenes between x character and x character, whatever you want to see, I'm all ears

This is long and rambly I'm so sorry. If you could decode whatever I just wrote and respond to it that would be lovely.

thank you for reading!