WHEN THOUGHTS FORM WORDS

Just some things I wanted to say (as a teenager)

They say teenage is one of the hardest time of our lives, a stage that all the children pass through, a stage where they find their identity, a stage where the adults wants as to act as adults (grow up) and as a child(don't act like you know life) at the same time. It's one of those times we can enjoy our life and be free from most of the responsibilities of an adult and still own ourselves.
And yes, it is hard and yet, we are most "underappreciated" during this part of our life. I am nineteen, going to enter my twenty-twenties, so I guess I could tell some things that I wanted to tell a lot of people, and things I said to them a hundred times in my head.

Teenage, it's the time a child develops his or her identity. For me it was. These times changed me and made me realise a lot of things. Things like  values and perspectives, which I want to hold on to in my life. I am not sure about these things that I hold on to. Maybe all these will change or maybe it won't.
It is common sense that we all change and learn. What's the big deal right? But I still hope I remember all these things, so when I look back I can know who I was.

The world, (I don't know it that well, but) it taught me to speak out loud and stand up for the things I believe in. It taught me how hard that can be. It taught how hard things can be and how tough times can be. They thought me to shut it all up, if you are talking to an idiot, who is never going to change, I mean why waste time, right. But I do know that you can't always know if you are wasting time on things or not. I guess we will learn this along the way.

You hold judgements when you are young. "This is right and that is wrong". "Girls who are more comfortable with boys must be bad". "You should always respect your teachers" well, "teachers won't make mistakes". "You can always enjoy later". Well, I thought like that. I never thought that truth and lies, right and wrong were not the same for everyone. I never thought that teachers can make mistakes. (I do believe you should respect your teachers but sometimes you can only fake it and sometimes you can't. Being a teacher is no excuse for being arrogant and being an "I know it all" person). I never thought friendship and love has no boundaries or gender. I never thought the times that you thought were hard and hoped to end soon, would give you memories that you want to hold on to for the rest of your life. I never thought friends whom you spent your whole time with can turn into strangers and people who were once strangers can become your own people. I learned that earning respect is better than taking it. I learned to find my own good and bad, right and wrong. But now I got that all figured out, yet my life hasn't changed much. I changed all the way but many people I know won't accept that. they think the person they knew last year and the person they see now are the same .even after learning all these things, my life seems to be an endless lesson rather than a place where I could apply those things I learned. I won't say I am strong but if you don't let me try thing of my own, I won't even know that for myself.

Through these times, I felt what it feels to be hurt by your friend. I learned how love can turn into hatred. I still believe in love that leaves than the love that stays forever. I started to get scared when I see old people... Well she is young, not even in her twenties, what is wrong with this kid? Getting scared on seeing old people?
Let me answer that, I don't know when I started doing this but along the way I started to think about how all these people were once young. They had their stories of happiness and sadness. Of days they were hurt, of days they were tired and I started thinking that one day I will end up like them, crazy right. And it scared me. It scared me because all this while I don't feel like I am living. It scared me more when I saw them in the same places every day doing the same things (sitting and having coffee or tea in a small shop. I see them in their home, at their porch doing nothing. I see them talking with other old people every day at the same time). It scares me. It's funny because I know I am at the same spot everyday myself, watching them while I go to my college. Every day is the same, you wake up ,get ready, go to school or college, come back, waste your time in front of things that you don't actually enjoy. sleep and do these all again. if you have extra tuition or classes on sports ,dance etc. Then the weekends are done too. When you do get free time, you may go for a movie, you spend time with your friends, make memories and they are nice. But you still feel empty most of the days. It just happens in our life, the time we are born in, is the time of competition. We need to compete. I get it but I still wish this competition wouldn't put a lot of pressure on us and make us feel sick most of the times. I wish we could study and do things without feeling burdened, without hating them, while enjoying the things which we once liked ,wondering about the things that we still don't know about and feeling the magic of this world and its people.
This time of my life I thought a lot, about many things. Me ,others, my home, others home, our world, nature, right and wrong, truth and lies, all the different way to see the same thing, my identity, sexuality, what it means to be a girl or woman in our society and what it means to me. What it means to be a boy or a man or gay or a transgender person in this society and what might that mean to each of them. Why almost all the things scares me. About how I love the sun, the green, the stars, my friends and family but nobody seems to know. How I enjoy watching old photographs and paintings that show me of a different time. How I don't like many of the things about the people I love. All these were hard for me. They were confusing for me. As every answer to many a questions contradicts with its other answers, I learned too see things differently. Now I know, everything lies in the balance of all the differences of a thing and I realise how that balance is unique for everyone.

Did you know, the night is never too dark on its own, but it's all the things in it that are darker? When I saw that, I thought, no matter how much bad and worse things happen, this world is still good and beautiful. Just like when you try to find the error to correct them first, the things that are right and good are gone unnoticed and underappreciated.

So even when I become an adult, I want to remember how confusing and hard one of my best time of my life was, and how I loved it no matter how I disliked it. So to every young mind's who would have thought like me and enjoyed wasting a lot of our time thinking, I want to tell you, things will get easier as you will most probably go through all these things over again. Like how you learned to say no to something that you hated but still said yes at first, you will find your true voice again. Along the way you will change so don't hold many judgements,you will end up thinking how stupid you were. And enjoy school life as much as you can, even if you think you hate it and want to get out of school, make as many memories as possible from there, trust me they feel great when you think about them after some time and how the most embarrassing things you have done will become your own source of enjoyment and fun of an older you. Never let others decide who you are for you. I know I may not be old enough to tell you these, but maybe some old lads might tell you this, but who listens to all these. Even though you may learn these lessons from someone else, and know what it means, sometimes we still make mistakes, just to know how it feels. So don't try too hard to understand everyone you may end up understanding every one of them and not feel a thing about anything.
So just don't care. Do what you were going to do. It's your life. Even if you make mistakes, at least they are yours and not somebody's, whom you listened to. "But always know it's wise to learn from others mistakes..." Even though it's true, you got to live your life, so just do that. I believe some of these things may resonate with what you feel. Some words when put together won't make any sense when you look closely, but they make complete sense about your feelings and life. I guess that the reason why I am writing this too. To make sense about me. As in times when I realised I am way different from the person i believed to be, in those times I realised that I do care even when I thought "it doesn't matter...". At times when things shattered right in front of me but I never felt anything. At all those times when I felt I am alone. At all those times when I felt dearly loved. All my life doesn't make much sense to me, I hope by writing this, at least I could be understood a little more deeply by someone out there.

I wish you could all understand me, a little more, than anyone ever did, a little more than I could myself