WHEN THOUGHTS FORM WORDS

MEMORIES OF AN IMAGINARY ME

I don't exactly know when she came into my life but as long as I remember she was always there. When I listen to the birds chirping at dawn from my favourite place, the rooftop of my home, when I look out during the rainy nights from my window, when I sneak out during the rain to watch the lightning, she was there. At first she was only a voice. She talked with me, fought with me, reasoned with me and she was there for me. Now, she is here with me, wearing faces and attires I never saw before. But she was me and even I don't know when exactly she appeared or why. The truth is there is no why, she just came and I needed her, then, right there.

I noticed her for the first time while I was taking a walk and watching the sun sneak through the leaves to reach its ground to leave pleasant warmth on her, on a cold day. She appeared out of nowhere and I welcomed her company. Her eyes were like mine, same dark brown, but they were different, which suited her. Her eyes shined like she was never bound to anything in this world, unlike mine. She came to visit me again and I gave her my name, one no one else knew. I shared that name with her, after all she was me, my imagination, a picture I gave life to, a day dream no one else knew or saw. Even I could only see her in fragments or in a blur. She was me, but very different, colourful and I called her ray.

I was aware she didn't exist. I am always well aware of that. Even when I felt her, talked with her, I knew there was no one but my own consciousness. Still I imagined her, even if that made me a little unusual, I found her company rather cheerful. Like that, one day she was not a blur anymore. She didn't have a self I could see with my senses but I still saw her very clearly, I felt her without my senses. She became my companion. She became my source of strength.

She was brave when I was frightened, she was kind when I was angry, she was understanding, when i choose not to. When I broke down, she calmed my nerves. she was hysterical when I held my words. she was angry when I was too understanding of people, for she knew understanding someone is hard choice we make which gives us no way to deal with our own hurtful emotions. She was my balance. I found my stead with her, and that's why I choose her. And maybe because of all these reasons and her by my side, was I sane. After all, our mind is fragile, its complicated, woven of strings that held our consciousness, sanity and insanity, and our subconscious. What if that one string breaks? If my consciousness of my imaginary vanishes, Will it make my own memories imaginary? Even when I think all these, she is still beside me, wearing a tank top, with a bag of chocolate cookies, shaking me to go watch anime with her, to forget my madness towards thoughts, to just enjoy the time, simply without complexities. I love her; I loved her for being there when I needed her and vanishing when I didn't. I love her like how I loved her when I first saw her, my best friend. And this is a piece of our adventure- a journey we took together which till now was left unrecorded.

I woke up like I usually did, with my father fussing over something with my morning coffee. I drank it in one gulp not caring to enjoy it like I do. I left for college as usual. It was a one hour ride and I slept. I clutched my hands, whispering brave words to myself, avoiding the stares that was never there, I focussed on her; I went to face that day and my friends, my anxiety and tiredness. Days went by like that, two years went just like that, and with each passing day I was more and more tired and weighed down. My breaths were more laborious and my mind was in all the places. I was on my bus to college and she was there too. At first sitting by my side and leaning on my shoulders, she was humming here favourite song. Maybe she is tired I thought, the next moment she is out there, running on that road, like nothing could baffle her, yet she held wonder and I remembered, she is never tired or tied. She was not wearing any shoes, her dress was a red frock, and it was getting messed by the wind. She seemed to like it. The smile on her face told me that. I knew she was going to take me somewhere then, somewhere no one had ever been before, a world beyond the rainbows or inside the mind of a beetle on the leaf tip of a far away tree. We laughed and talked like that, as one and as two, our friendship woven on threads of love for each other. That's how I held on to my monotonous life filled with darkness and fear, without being too sad, until one day I couldn't return her smile.

She came and sat with me and told me a joke. I didn't laugh but I did feel happy and I wore a smile for her. I cried on endless nights, snuffing my sobs on my pillow, crying my heart out for reasons unknown. I was so very sad and hurt and her hugs couldn't relieve me of that. She was trying too, holding me tight, singing and joking to not let me fall apart. She followed me around, guiding me with her light in a darkness that devoured my heart. I became her love and a burden, one she could hold only long enough.

For a depressed me, she kept me floating, in a dark sea that tried to swallow me. Even though at times she couldn't hold my weight and let go of my-self, she got hold on me within a few seconds, soon enough. Gasping and crying I breathed the air again like that, with her at least I was not fully underwater. The roof came crashing on me, those days I never left my bed, she stroked my back and drew small circles, and she told me to rest. After staying in bed the whole day, she tried to pull me out of that bed. My legs only walked me out the next day. That's how I fought along with her and I knew my fight was not lost. But I didn't realise it then that she was tired too, beyond exhausted. I didn't knew that her light was only a faint flicker now, and soon she would be lost trying to save me in that dark hole. She saved me while I broke her down. But I loved her too and as long as I could breathe, I was determined to not let her loose her smile.

Seeing her on the same roof where I once sat to take a breath with ease and to close my eyes, where I had a hearty laugh with her. Seeing her with a tired face, I knew she broke. I knew who broke her. I needed her smiles...No more passing that heavy sword to her. She needed me as much I need her. If I can't fight my darkness, then I will run away from it, to show her the light ahead, the light she was desperately trying to show me, the light only she believed in. And among us, she had always been right and true.

I saw her there, eyes closed and face leaned up like she is reaching, touching the sun's rays like she was the one reaching to it, and not the rays falling on her. I knew she felt serene, I could see her smiling even though her lips were in a tight line. I walked up to her and did the same. I held on to her like a lover and for the first time I felt like I was loving her and not the other way around. It felt exhilarating, I felt strong at that moment. Days went by, months went by. We shared our hobbies and late night talks. We sang and danced together. And I knew, I wouldn't be too sad for long. And one day I smiled for her again, for real. We talked and took longs walks. She loved the nature like I did. But unlike me she had always been expressive. We talked for hours. I snuggled with her. We watched the moon on those endless nights and played with words which burned our heart. They still stung but it wasn't that bad, after all we were on a playground and not the devils land.

If there was one person who could handle me, it was her, me. So I was going to be strong and hold on to her. I was not going to let me get lost in my own darkness to hurt her. I was the only one who could love me with all my craziness, insecurities, fear and cowardice. I was the only one who was brave enough to love me like that and to find me beautiful. I was the only one brave enough to change me with love, to make me grow. So I did that for her, I became strong for her, till she could hold me again. I tried with my all soul and she came back. So when she laughed again for me, I too laughed with her.

Sometimes saving yourself is much more difficult than most people make it out to be. It's like helping a whole other person than you. You need to accept things that you denied about yourself. You need to see yourself as someone worth loving, you need to know that all that you are going through is there and it won't vanish like it never existed. Even if you save yourself from drowning, it's a constant struggle to swim through your troubles. It's even hard to reach a shore. Sometimes you let go of yourself. It's a scary thing. It's even scary when you know that even if you save your-self, loving yourself is a whole other deal. Even when you love yourself, being you is still hard. Being me is hard; it's hard when others are waiting for a different me, when I am waiting at my every step picking up my courage to show them the real me. Having an imaginary me by my side whenever I need is my strength. Through her I try to see a beautiful world when my own becomes too dull. Even though she makes me sound a bit too crazy, she is that string that holds my mind together. All I could tell you is to find your own courage to be you and to see that others are there too. And being a little unusual might not be that bad.

I know I have broken down these days,

But I will never crash or burn

What's the big deal in breaking down?

I can get up and move forward