Ambivalence

Part 3

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, mentions of physical abuse

A few weeks went by without incident. You stayed mostly to your room and the training room and quickly learned to avoid the busy periods in the kitchen. You were used to being alone. You had been for years so you found it hard to fit into such a large group dynamic. Not that you minded. You had finally met everyone and the question on all their lips was 'where did you learn to fight like that?'. You never said. It was nice to have a secret that they didn't know about you and wanted to keep the assassins' of the sun a secret for as long as possible. They swore you to secrecy when you first joined. A blood oath. Which is what they all take. The consequence for breaking that oath is death, so that's probably a good reason not to tell them.

It was around 9pm when you heard your stomach growling. You had gotten lost in a book for most of the day and hadn't realised that you haven't eaten. There usually wasn't many people in the kitchen at this time so you padded softly down the hallways before you reached the kitchen.

You saw boxes of left over pizza lying on the countertop. You checked them all and decided you couldn't choose just one type of pizza to carry away so you went to grab a plate. You started taking a slice from each box and was just about done when Steve came into the room. He smiled at you saying, "we left pizza for you, we weren't sure if you had eaten", he walks over to the fridge and pulls out a water bottle. 

He takes a sip and clears his throat, "hey, I've been meaning to thank you", you raise your eyebrows at him in surprise and question before he continues, "the way you've been to Bucky. I know you've been making an effort to not make him feel uncomfortable even if you haven't had a conversation with him. It means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to him too". There's a silence for a couple seconds and you see him glancing down at his water and then back at you. 

You say, "spit it out Steve, you look like you're gonna self-combust over there", you chuckle softly and he lets out a sigh before saying, "I just wanted to ask why? What made you forgive him?". 

He looks at you with earnest and its your turn to sigh. You're silent for a long time before saying, "unfortunately, I'm quite an empathetic person Steve. Something I've never been able to unlearn, even during my training. I saw the footage and I read his file. I know that any man, including you, wouldn't have been able to hold onto himself after all they did to him. I see the Winter Soldier as a separate person to Bucky. I saw the Winter Soldier the night he took my parents and I saw emptiness in his eyes. When I look at the man now his eyes are bright and full of happiness. I also think that he's been through enough and I still see him struggling to live with the weight of what the Winter Soldier did. But I would be lying if I said that it wasn't hard some days just to hate him. It would be so much easier but every time I see his eyes I know the Winter Soldier is long gone and if anyone deserves to be happy its James Bucannan Barnes". You don't wait for Steve's response and start to leave the kitchen. When you round the corner, you see Bucky and you know he heard every word you said. And for some strange reason you weren't angry that he did.

About a week later you had a check up from the doctors and they said you were all cleared to go on missions but they told you that Nick wanted to see you. They directed you where to go and you entered the room to find Nick, Steve, and an unknown man. 

Nick introduced him as Dr. Morrison and you gave him a slight nod. Nick cleared his throat and said, "I know you've been given the all clear physically to go on missions but you have to complete a psychological evaluation as well". You tense at his words and suddenly start to notice the way Dr. Morrison is intently watching you. "Dr. Morrison is going to be asking you questions and you must answer them honestly. He'll then decide whether you're fit for action".