Ambivalence

Part 8

Warnings: Swearing? Suggestions of sexual assault, I think that's it?

 The next time you open your eyes you're greeted by white. The walls are white, the bedding is white, your gown is white. The next thing you notice is the feeling of a dull throb on the left side of your stomach. Before you know it the events of Julian attacking you come flooding back and you look around the room properly. 

Your body relaxes when you see Bucky asleep on a chair. His head is propped up with his hand and you can see his chest rising and falling. You can't see his face as its obscured by his hair but he seems peaceful. You don't want to wake him up but he also needs to know you're awake and okay. So, you call his name softly. 

He bolts out of his seat straight to your bed. His eyes are running over you until they land on your eyes. He searches them for a long time until he leans down and kisses you on the forehead. You hear him whisper, "I thought I was gonna lose you". 

His voice sounded broken as he said those words and it made your heart ache. Your hand comes up to cup his face softly as you say, "you can't get rid of me that easily", you give him a grin and you can see the laughter in his eyes. 

But it only lasts a few seconds before he closes them and pulls away from you. You see his fists clench as he says, "I'm gonna kill him. Now that I know you're okay, I'm gonna go out and find that bastard and watch as I drain the life from his fucking eyes". You shiver at his words and the rage laced through them. 

You're about to tell him to calm down and not do anything rash when he speaks again, "why didn't you tell me about him?". 

You supress a sigh, you knew this was going to happen sooner or later, you thought it was better to get it over and done with. "I never told you because it never mattered. What I had with him was nothing, it wasn't the way he sees it, not to me. I think people forget how young I was going to train with the assassins of the sun. I had never had a relationship or had sex. I had barely had any affection or attention for years until now. I wanted to be Julian's friend, I tried to understand the type of person he was. He was always so angry and closed off from people. I got glimpses as to why he was like that but there are certain things you can't excuse just because something bad happened to them". 

You leave it there and Bucky looked like he understood and accepted why I didn't tell him but he asked, "what things couldn't you excuse?". This time you couldn't supress the sigh. 

You didn't like thinking about it but you looked away from Bucky and told him anyway, "well when he trained me he was cruel, but I always thought the way they trained was cruel. He got worse after we had fooled around a couple of times. As if he was trying to break me so that it was easier for him to control me. It wasn't long before he was telling me he loved me but I just didn't feel that way towards him. I was lonely, I was using him. But I thought he was doing the same, when I knew how he felt I tried breaking it off with him. He didn't take it well. He smacked me around a bit and then tried to force himself on me. We were interrupted by one of his knights needing assistance with something. As soon as he left, I packed my shit and went to thank the Emperor and then I went". You didn't look at him the entire time you spoke about it. You sensed that Bucky was moving and then you heard the chair being brought closer to your bed. 

He sits in it and lifts your chin up to look at him, "I'm glad you left when you did. All the shit you went through...and you still come out a forgiving and empathetic person. I can't express how much I admire you Y/N. You're an amazing person and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world, that you chose to be with me. I have no idea what you see in me-". 

You cut him off not wanting to hear him put himself down like that, "you're just as amazing. After all you went through you come out kind and caring and funny and loyal".